Home Improved JOW #644

My JOW this week could be about football, but a couple of the games this weekend were jokes and not very funny ones at that.  Instead, acting on a suggestion, I have some jokes on construction in general, with specific highlights in the field of home improvement.  But first something completely off topic -

My racing snail is not winning any snail races. So I decided to take its shell off to reduce weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything he is more sluggish now.
-------------------------

I recently saw a sign in Home Depot with the word ‘restrooms’.  Right below that word was their motto – “You can do it, we can help.”  That seems to be taking customer service a bit too far.

+++++++++++++++++

Q: What kind of court do you sue electricians in?
A: Circuit court

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on their shady background, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew:
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason was suspect because he got stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

----------------------------

A man contracted to paint a church. He noticed that he had not bought enough paint, it was Friday and he couldn't possibly get the additional paint he needed before the big event at the church. He had promised it would be done, so he decided to thin the paint so it would spread further. 
Sunday came and the membership was seriously disappointed with the paint job. There were places where it was so thin you could see right through it. There were other places where it ran and dripped on the sidewalks and steps. The congregation called an emergency meeting.
They decided to have the man come back and redo the paint. The job fell on the pastor to go tell the man he had to come back and redo the paint. So, the pastor was a good man who was always very thoughtful about what he said and keeping peace and all. He went to the man's home Monday morning and knocked on the door. The man came to the door and the pastor still didn't know what he was going to say to the man. The man, kind of shocked at the sight of the preacher, blurted out "Excuse me preacher, I don't feel very well, this hang-over has me by the tail!"
The preacher immediately knew what to say:
REPAINT and THIN NO MORE!!!!

 ...................

A couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" 
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" 
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" 
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. 
One weekend the husband woke up and it was raining hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. 
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" 
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. 
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? Who the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?