Valentine JOW #648

I try to keep my JOW topical.  This week has the made-up holiday - Valentine’s Day.  Like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day it is what is referred to as a ‘Hallmark Holiday’; a manufactured event designed to extort more money from you.  Men tend to hate Valentine’s Day.  I actually think women do, too; they just like to get stuff from their guys.  But on the other hand, Valentine's Day is the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone. 

Fortunately, Valentine’s Day has a lot of humor attached to it, so here is a Valentine card to all of you -

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's Day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones, but to his dismay he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flower.  What she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded to pick up his sweetheart.  He presented her with his gift. 

She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

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"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentine’s Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

Here are a few gifts you should not get your sweetheart.  Trust me on this.

1.  A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2.  Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the label.

3.  Any movie starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4.  Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5.  Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6.  A gift certificate.

7.  Cash.

8.  Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9.  An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

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A shy guy goes into a bar on Valentine's Day night and sees an attractive young woman at the bar.  He walked over to her and asked her politely, "Um, would you mind if I give you some company?"

She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, "How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?" Everyone in the bar started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed.

After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized - ". I am sorry; I was just messing with you.  May I sit down?"

 The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, "What do you mean $200?"

And finally a few random thoughts -

·         I wanted to lose some weight so I went to the paint store.  I heard you could get thinner there.

·         John Deere makes superb farm equipment.  They stand behind everything they make – with the exception of the manure spreader.

·         Dead batteries are given out free of charge.

·         They could make a pencil with an eraser at both ends, but what would be the point?