Contractor JOW #650

I received a request to make my JOW this week about contractors.  We have all dealt with home contractors.  The very word ‘contractor’, of course, comes from the Latin root ‘contractus’ which means ’shoddy work’.  I should know: I once worked as a contractor for Bustagrape Masonary.  It is amazing that some of those buildings I worked on are still standing. 

So here are some jokes roughly connected to contracting.

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A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawl jobs?”

The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.”

“Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

“Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The bartender is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed.

While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $10,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $25,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $50,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a new crew laying sod across the street."

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A builder was telling his friend about a property they were demolishing.

He said: "We found a skeleton behind a wall with a gold medal round his neck."

His friend asked what was on the medal.

The builder replied: "Hide and Seek Champion, 1991."

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I used to design cul de sacs but I stopped. It was a dead end job.

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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618

"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?"

"Damned if I know,” replied the cabbie, “It wasn't there yesterday..."

And to end on a totally unrelated note:  

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 

The ‘p’ is silent

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