Growing JOW #653

It is spring, the normal time for things to blossom and bloom.  The trees are budding, filling the air with fragrant allergens.  The expression ‘you can hear things growing’ probably refers to my sneezing.  Spring is pretty here, though.  The highway medians in Texas are full of beautiful wild flowers.  Does this mean I have a beautiful yard – no.  An untended median strip can do better job growing things than I can.  I have no luck with gardening.  I have a rock garden - last week three of the rocks died.  “Annuals” mean disappointment only once a year.  As far as I can tell, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed instead of a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is not a weed.  And how do we define weeds?  As far I can tell weeds are plants that have mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.  Of course my wife is no better with plants than I am.  She is an earth sign; I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

But here are a few jokes with a general theme of the newly awakening life as we head toward warmer, then hotter, then the stifling days of summer

++++++++++++++++++++

A man approached a gardener at a vegetable stand. "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables.  These vegetables are for her. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"

"The gardener said: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"

============

·         What did the lawyer say to the judge? Iris my case!

·         What does one call a country where people only drive pink cars? A pink carnation!

·         Why did the butterfly get a cell phone? She wanted to cauliflower.

·         What does the letter ‘A’ have in common with a flower? Both are followed by bees!

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

A flower vendor was normally quite successful at unloading his last few bunches of flowers.
Appealing to a businessman who was walking by on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"
"I don't have a wife," the businessman replied gruffly.
"Well then, how about some beautiful carnations for your girlfriend?" suggested the vendor, without missing a beat.
"I don't have a girlfriend," snapped the businessman.
"You lucky fellow!" the vendor said, as he broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This report is from Dan

Friends, with all of today’s news casters telling us about the flu epidemic and the hundreds who may die, a story has come to light one that Doctor Doom cannot possibly make up.

It is not a pretty story.... it concerns over 200 dead crows being found on the highways around Boston.

The first report came from the City Health Dept. was that the birds probably died of Avian Flu; the City was in panic mode.

Then a Federal Bird Pathologist was brought in to examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed that the “kill” was definitely NOT the Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

Feeling that the Federal Bird Pathologist’s explanation was not detailed enough, the City then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to study and determine the the disproportionate percentages of Crows killed by trucks, versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist study took 6 months, at a cost of $200,000 to the tax payers, this is his report:

Crows often eat road-kill or grain that spilled from farm trucks onto the roadways.

When the crows are eating on the roads, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

The Ornithological Behaviorist conclusion was that the lookout crow could only say "Cah", but they could not say "Truck”.

This tidbit is from Tom and has nothing to do with anything else

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 20 automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, $5 million in forged US banknotes, and 15 Latino prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

 Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

And to end with a whimper

An Arkansas redneck won a big off-shore fishing boat in a raffle.

"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float that big a boat within 100 miles of here." 
He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it." 
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. 
She says, "He's out there in the pasture in his boat", pointing to the field behind the house. 
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in the boat fiddling with a fishing rod.
He yells out to him, "Whatcha doin'?" 
His brother replies, "I'm a-fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?" 
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from our state a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. 
“Yeah.” His brother shouted back, “If-n I could swim, I'd go over there and whip-yo ass!"