Messed UP JOW #652

This week’s JOW includes comments from Don and Tom.  I especially like words; hey, I am sort of an author so it is natural that I should be interested in words and how they are used.  That got me into various awful short puns (as opposed to awfully short puns).  But I start with definitions of

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HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the  corner where nothing could get to it.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. 

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into  major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily  fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead  of the outside edge

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

Some assorted puns.

·         I tried to catch some fog.  I mist

·         When chemists die they barium

·         Puns about German sausage are the wurst

·         I went to a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words

·         PMS jokes are not funny.  Period.

·         The class took a trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  Then there was a pop quiz.

·         When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

·         What does a hungry clock do?  It goes back four seconds.

·         The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.

·         I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.

·

·         If cattle had a sense of humor, would they be a laughing stock?

·         Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.

"It cost 75 cents to put air in my tire at a gas station where it used to be free. I asked the attendant why the cost for air went up to 75 cents. He said, 'Inflation.'"

Some guy tried to sell me Xenia, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might have been a heroine dealer.

And finally

PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD: UP
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.' 

It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?   Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special..
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word ‘UP’ in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP  a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,  for now . . . My time is UP!
Oh . . . One more thing: What is the  first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you  do at night?
U
P!

Did that one crack you UP?