This week I am passing on some
wisdom from Tom, who offered these helpful hints. I added a couple of quick ones, an unrelated
joke that just came to me, and ended with a very punny story of lost
romance. Enjoy -
·
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP them.
·
If you are
choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.
·
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.
·
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK
WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE
SNOOZE BUTTON.
·
Have a bad
tooth ache? hit your thumb with a hammer. then you will forget about the tooth
ache.
·
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
·
on the other hand, NEVER take a sleeping pill
AND a laxative before you go to bed
·
Avoid
arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the
sink.
Avoid social blunders at weddings with
these helpful hints
·
Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
·
Livestock
usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
·
If you
try to french kiss the bride, expect to get punched – by many people
·
Is it
okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
Handiman
hints:
·
YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
·
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
And, to reduce stress,
remember Captain Woody’s Corollary:
·
NEVER RUIN A
GOOD STORY WITH THE FACTS.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
·
Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a
fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip
monk.
·
Ironically, a man at a tool and die company died today when he was
hit with a tool.
=====================
At
a retirement home a banker, a lawyer, and three physicians attended a sales
pitch by man who wanted to give these men professionally-themed final resting
places. He showed the lawyer how he
could be interred beneath a judge’s bench with scales of justice on it. For the
banker there was a stone vault embossed with a dollar sign. When he discovered the first doctor was a
cardiologist he showed a place of internment shaped exactly like a heart.
The
gynecologist began laughing.
The
proctologist left in disgust.
Finally
a romantic story with a sad ending
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had
eyes for each other; they got married and had a little
sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of
life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't
get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the
sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't
stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her
Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told
Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys
from France called the French Fries.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and
wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the
other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But
in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They
told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ......
A common tater
!!
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