Rumormongering JOW #654

I packed away my winter clothes last week – it is late March and has been quite warm lately.  I visited Ruth in Edinburg last weekend and it was 99 degrees on Saturday!  So imagine my surprise when local weather was warning people to cover their plants against the cold last night.  Of course, they were as usual overstating the case, but it was nice to have a bit chill in the air. 

My JOW theme this week is from that great crusher of rumors, Snopes.com.  Yes it is a wonderful website, although they have successfully debunked a lot of great internet rumors that I really wanted to be true.  Gossip, innuendo, and outright lies have been with us as long as there has been communication; the net just lets it spread faster and more widely.  Snopes is one mechanism to check on things.  Often old stories are recirculated with the names changed to fit new administrations.  But be warned, wandering around in their list of stories can be addictive – look up and you realize an hour has gone by.

Here are some tidbits from Snopes followed by a couple of more ‘normal’ jokes.  Enjoy

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In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). 
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) 
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). 
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) 
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) 
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) 
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." 
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) 

Two quick quips

·         What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware River?
     “Get in the boat!”

·         How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? 
     Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet. 

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A guy goes into a clothing store to buy a new suit, but he doesn't want to spend too much money. The tailor shows him a really nice suit for $400, but the guy says it's too much. He shows him another suit for $200, and the guy says it's still too much. After showing him several others, he finally shows him one for $10. 
     "That's more like it!” the guy says, and he goes to try it on. He comes back and looks in the mirror and one sleeve is about two inches shorter than the other. 
     "No problem," says the tailor, "Just hunch up your right shoulder." 
     So the guy hunches his right shoulder way up, and the sleeves look OK, but the lapels are crooked. 
     "No problem," says the tailor, "Just stick out your left arm and cock it like a bird's wing." 
     So the guy sticks out his left arm and the lapels look OK. But then he notices that one pant leg is shorter than the other. 
     "Well, just keep that leg stiff," says the tailor, "and no one will notice." 
     "I'll take it!” the guy says. 
     So the guy leaves the tailor shop wearing the suit, walking with his left leg stiffened, one arm stuck out like a bird's wing, and one shoulder hunched way up. 
     As he's walking down the street he passes two orthopedic surgeons. One of the doctors says to the other, "I have never seen anyone in such bad shape in my twenty-five years of practice!" 
     "Me neither," the other doctor says. "But he sure has a nice suit!" 

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Dr. Woodall was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Woodall replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Woodall replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Woodall Fart?"