Whilst casting about for a subject this week I started
thinking about the old fairy tales and suddenly the bad jokes began
flowing. Enjoy.
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Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small,
old-fashioned, kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it
infested with small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home
on a feline. So what did Mary actually have?
Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.
on a feline. So what did Mary actually have?
Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.
****************************
Snow White received an old style film camera as a gift.
She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she
finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so
she went to pick up the finished photos. (Remember those days?)
The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, told
her don't worry,
"Someday your prints will come."
___________________________
There were a group of intellectuals who were convinced
that nurture not nature was responsible for human intelligence. They took a challenge to prove that anyone
could become a profound thinker with proper education. As a real test they undertook to educate a
certain Miss Ingrid Horst, a woman with long blonde tresses, startling blue
eyes, and figure to make a blind man stare.
The educators were advised that no one of the entire Horst clan had ever
held a single thought in their heads for more than a few moments.
Taking the challenge they took Miss Horst and began a
rigorous course of education to try to expand her mental horizons. They enrolled her in one of the finest
colleges in the northeast, Vassar, confident that their rigorous and feminist
training could tune her mind to the same level as her admittedly spectacular
body.
Alas, after a full semester of guided education she
answered all the questions with a smile, simper and the same answer: “I donna know.”
Although many of the male instructors (and at Vassar many
of the female ones) were inclined to pass her the scientists had to admit that
her family history prevented her from gaining any measurable intellectual
development.
“I am afraid,” they finally admitted, “you can lead a
Horst to Vassar but you can’t make her think.”
And in a similar vein
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one
night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck
began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood,
fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story? You can lead a drinker to water but you can't
make him hoarse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two good Montana buddies, Jet and Clay, were out hunting
for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods
near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar.
They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot
it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's
life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed,
and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this
arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to
divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Jet won and got the head as his trophy. Clay lost,
and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.
So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting
victory, Clay thought, it was nothing but a cat-as-trophe.
++++++++++++++++++++
Tom provided me with the new Seniors Cheer.
All together now –
What do we want!
Better Memory!
When do we want it?
What do we want?
I still have some geek jokes left from last week:
·
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up
I was like OMg.
·
If a gathering of crows is called a murder what
do you call two crows? Attempted murder?
·
If seagulls congregate around a bay, does that
make them bagels?
·
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
·
How many programmers does it take to change a
light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
And to counteract those
Q. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
A. Nothing – they just waved.
Finally a bit of word humor. Given that English was a half-German pidgin,
it is surprising how many words we still have to borrow. Here are a few examples:
1. Schadenfreude:
Joy in the misfortune of others - German.
2. Wei-wu-wei:
Deliberate decision not to do something - Chinese.
3. Prozvonit:
To call a mobile phone to have it ring once so that the other person calls
back, saving the first caller money - Czech and Slovak. (Allegedly)
4. Age-otori:
To look worse after a haircut - Japanese.
5.
Chutzpah: Cheek but with extremely self-confident audacity -
Yiddish.
6. Zeg:
The day after tomorrow - Georgian. Sometimes English lacks subtlety, in this
case it lacks simple utility.
7. Stramash:
Fight, uproar - Scottish and northern English.
8. Esprit
de l'escalier: The brilliantly witty response you didn't think
of until too late - French.
9. Fremdschämen:
Being embarrassed for someone else, often someone who should be but isn't -
German
10. Pesmenteiro:
One who shows up to a funeral for the food - Portuguese
Finally, this is a link to an absolutely hilarious
video that pretty well sums up relations between men and women these days. Ummm…. you women don’t necessarily have to
watch.
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