Elder JOW #671

What with my two canines and various visitors and service animals that stay at Chez Pinney, I do a fair amount of dog walking. I don’t really consider it exercise other than perhaps meeting the old adage – “Movement is Medicine” as my efforts are more like a dog ‘amble’ or ‘saunter’.  One thing that I have noticed is that I quickly become attuned to when the creature on the other end of the leash becomes serious about depositing waste.  Note that I did not say ‘go to the bathroom’.  A dog goes to the bathroom to get a drink.  No, I mean solid waste.  I have some times pondered how a dog finds a place that is worth a s#it; I think it is just a process of elimination.

            All that is just random maundering; my joke of the week is more stuff about I am more familiar with, specifically, old jokes; by that I mean jokes about our elderly citizens.  This is always a rich topic with the added advantage that they can be frequently recycled as they are quickly forgotten.

###################

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.

The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems going around.

The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have AIDS when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.
"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

………………………………………………
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The late Phyliss Diller was a woman well ahead of her time.  She had some definite ideas about getting older.
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
“You know you're old if someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot."

++++++++++++++++++++++

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "Last year, I took Bea to Tucson.  Maybe this year I'll go back down there and get her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some revised old hits to accommodate aging Baby Boomers

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help From DEPENDS"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts"
Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Elvis: "Heartbreak Hospice"
Bob Dylan: "Like A Kidney Stone"
Queen: "We WERE the Champions"
Beatles: "With a Little Help From My Meds"
Dion: "Limparound Sue"
The Rolling Stones: "Limping-Jack Flash" and “Hey, kid, get off of my yard”
Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall"
Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"
John Prine: "Pink Cataract"
John Denver: "Rocky Mountain High Fiber"
Lesley Gore: "It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want To"

Some of us seem to have failed to grasp that fashions and fads may change but not all of them are for seniors.  Despite what you may have seen at the Renaissance Faire and sometimes even on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose - in a hanging basket!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV