Grammar JOW #676

I do love word jokes – puns and such.  I even appreciate grammar jokes, although those are a bit more esoteric.  Besides, Grammarians make {sic} jokes.   But I do have a few simple grammar-style bits this week.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar at the same time.  Suddenly everything became tense.

The same bar was walked into by the passive voice.
A synonym ambles into a pub.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty and then orders a beer to go.
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
+++++++++++++++
A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
She was having contractions.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

If you are irregular, tense, and moody you might just be a verb.

…………………………..

Knock knock

Who’s there?

To

To Who?

No, it is to whom.

______________

The English professor was holding forth.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

“””””””””””””””””””””””””””””

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"

"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."

"What?"

"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."

"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates watching an assistant check in new arrivals. The assistant had a roster and was calling out names as the spirits lined up.
"James Robertson," he read off, and a fellow said, "I'm him."

Then he read "William Bumgarner," and another fellow said, "That's me."

Then he read, "Gladys Humphreys," and a woman answered, "I am she."
St. Peter leaned over and whispered to his assistant, "Another schoolteacher."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In one of his radio programs, comedian Jack Benny and his guest star Vincent Price were drinking some freshly brewed coffee. After savoring a sip, Benny announced, "This is the better coffee I ever tasted."
"You mean the best coffee!" Price corrected him.
Benny snapped back, "There are only two of us drinking it!"

***************

How do you comfort a grammar Nazi?  Pat him on the shoulder and say “There, They’re, Their”

------------------------------------

And never forget the importance of punctuation:

Commas are important.  For example:

‘I’d rather cuddle then make love’ is not the same as ‘I’d rather cuddle, then make love.’

And ‘Let’s eat, grandma’ is a lot different than ‘Let’s eat grandma.’

And apostrophes can make the difference between ‘feeling you’re nuts’ and just ‘feeling your nut or knowing your s#it and knowing you’re s#it.

Some topical puns

·         I think people who do not use punctuation deserve a long sentence.

·         The wife of Pi probably thinks he is irrational and just goes on and on.

·         If you get in a twitter war and you are losing should you re-tweet?

·         What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence? One has claws at the end of its paws, while the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One bull looked at a new young cow and asked his fellow bull,

“Who’s the new heifer?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen herbivore.”

Finally here are two puzzles to end with

What common five letter English word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

And what is so unusual about this sentence?

“I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting.”

(Answers next week.)