I
have a few more stupid jokes. I love
stupid humor - ‘stupid humor’ is the kind of humor is not for stupid people; by ‘stupid humor’ I mean like things that make us laugh
because we simply don't expect them, or because it’s ridiculous, or because it’s
so outrageous that it entertains us. Once
these types of jokes were called Polack jokes and, perhaps after a few beefy
Polish guys objected, they became Blonde Jokes.
·
Why did the dumb blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
To see what was on the other side.
·
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.
In case she locks the keys in her car.
·
What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?
What, what?
·
How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.
One.
·
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
“Oh look! Donut seeds!”
“Oh look! Donut seeds!”
++++++++++++++++++++
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because
7 is a registered 6 offender
What did Zero say to number 8?
Sigh "Nice
belt."
I
have to have a stupid ‘walk into a bar’
joke. This one is better if you say it
out loud.
Two
whales go into a bar.
First
whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaaeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo
Second
whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk
-------------------------
This
joke is passed on from William
Pat
and Tom, elderly two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,
watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Pat didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Tom approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Pat!
Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'
Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Tom. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Tom, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me. I am 79 years old, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
One day Pat didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Tom approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Pat!
Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'
Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Tom. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Tom, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me. I am 79 years old, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
And
here are a series of really stupid quotes
"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my
opinion compared to that of thousands of others?"
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
"Just when someone invents a foolproof thing, someone else invents a better fool!"
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
"Just when someone invents a foolproof thing, someone else invents a better fool!"
"The
statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re ok
then it’s you!"
"Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?"
"Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?"
"Some mistakes are too much fun to make only
once."
"If you think that something small cannot make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
"If you think dogs cannot count try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and giving him only two."
"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble and automobile - and one nut to scatter it all over the road."
"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ~You know, I was a fool when I married you!”
"If you think that something small cannot make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."
"If you think dogs cannot count try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and giving him only two."
"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble and automobile - and one nut to scatter it all over the road."
"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ~You know, I was a fool when I married you!”
The husband replied “Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice!"
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late!"
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne you sit one is, you still sit on your bottom!"
"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."
"You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid."
"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
"At all the weddings, my aunts would come up and poke me in the ribs, cackling 'You're next'! They stopped after I started doing the same thing at funerals."
"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He's dead. Good!"
"Chickens, the only animal you eat before they are born, and after they are dead."
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late!"
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne you sit one is, you still sit on your bottom!"
"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."
"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."
"You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid."
"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
"At all the weddings, my aunts would come up and poke me in the ribs, cackling 'You're next'! They stopped after I started doing the same thing at funerals."
"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He's dead. Good!"
"Chickens, the only animal you eat before they are born, and after they are dead."
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens."
"Women like silent men, they think they're listening."
Ruth sent me some truisms
America is the only country where a
significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
***************
You know you're a redneck if your home has
wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until
proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
~ Robin Hall
*******************
We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
~ WH Auden
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*******************
Home cooking - where many a man thinks his
wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
********************
I have kleptomania; when it gets bad, I take something
for it.
~ Robert Benchley
~ Robert Benchley
+++++++++++++++
And finally this bit of wisdom from Tor:
"Many are called but few get up."
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