Road to JOW #674

This JOW is as early as the other was late but I will be on the move tomorrow and for the rest of week.  I am still on my walkabout but thanks to the kind hospitality of my in-laws I have a very comfortable place to stay – complete with wi-fi!  Estes Park is lovely this time of year, especially when I see the high temperatures back in southeast Texas.  My offerings this week continue with a traveling theme.  For some reason lots of jokes about travel have to do with ‘digestion’ and do not really fit into my normal style.  So here are some offerings about being away from home.

I will start with a camping joke that I have used before.  However it won a contest for funniest joke in the UK.  Of course that it like winning a cooking contest for ‘best British food.’

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking in the mountains.
They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired for a good night’s sleep.
Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?"
Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."
"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

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A tourist was being led through the Everglades.
"Is it true," he asked, "that a gator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

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The shipwrecked mariner had spent many years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When they discovered how long he had been marooned they sent the boat back out to the ship for a package.   When they returned the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

I have had to eat more fast food on the road than I care to admit.  This one addresses that:

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.)
The local guy in the line behind him immediately begins to harass him: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"
The German fellow turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

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One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't have been staying in this motel, would you?"

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While on a visit to the Middle East, a man and his wife were sitting outside a souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.
Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

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Not surprisingly tourism to the Middle East has declined precipitously in the past few years.  In the event that anyone is planning on a trip to that region here are some useful Arabic/English phrases that may be helpful.

AKBAR KHALI_KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH DEH GOFTEH BANDE
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN
The red blindfold will be lovely, Excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHREELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I really must have the recipe.