I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. However in Texas you cannot count on every
day being pleasant. Saturday was the
warmest low of the year with ‘feels like’ temperatures well into the 80s at sunrise. Still, it is cooler and I am grateful. I started this set of jokes intending it to
be about the fall season but then I came across a random bit of information
that sent me in a different direction.
Did you know that a gathering of baboons is called a congress – which explains
a lot. And set me off on the collection
of clowns we the people elected to represent us. And the rest of the JOW is mostly invective
on their gross incompetence provided by the men who do that sort of thing for a
living.
Pat sent me an autumnal topical joke
Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by
its diameter and what do you get?
Pumpkin Pi
This brought to mind
some old jokes from my youth
Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
A: With a pumpkin patch
Q: What falls in autumn?
A: Leaves!
And while pondering
leaves this one popped into my head
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find
a picture of a beautiful naked woman with only her privates covered with
leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies: "Autumn."
***************************
Leaves in the autumn are a lot like
raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing
you know, you look out the window and they're back!
========================================
If the opposite of ‘pro’ is ‘con’ then it follows that the
opposite of ‘progress’ is ‘congress’.
The late night humorists are having the best
joke fodder since the days of Bill Clinton.
I mined their comments and found a rich trove. But first, one of my all time favorite
political send ups:
"Which side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who
shall control the future of fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans
desire, a nation of wealthy, heavily armed white men, befouling the air and
water in a ceaseless quest for profit, beholden to no laws but those of our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision
of a namby-pamby quasi-socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army,
flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government
welfare? The choice is yours fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal
system is democracy." —Stephen Colbert
"It's day fourteen of the government shutdown. Are you like
me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English
king?" –David Letterman
A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining.
You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most
effective right now. – David Letterman
"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found
that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just
scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno
"New research found that people who wake up early are more
productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon
already?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just
saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of
Skippy peanut butter." – Jon Stewart
"The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal
employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience
is made up of park rangers and astronauts." –Conan O'Brien
"After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new
spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won't get
fixed, public employees won't help you, and getting a federal loan for a house
will be very difficult – but there will also be a lot of differences."
–Jimmy Fallon
Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go.
Well, isn’t that the problem, that there’s that many non-essential employees? –David
Letterman
"Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed,
while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on
each other." –David Letterman
"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S.
Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need
is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every
day." –Craig Ferguson
Most people think the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is
not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people
dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just
got furloughed? – Craig Ferguson
"Now, I’m not sure how politics works, but I’m pretty sure if
the government shuts down it means that we don’t have to pay taxes. – Arsenio Hall
And finally from Tom, an unrelated joke.
A friend of mine had a power outage last week and his PC, TV and
games console shut down immediately. It was raining and since he couldn't
golf or go fishing, so he talked to his wife for a few
hours. He reported to me that she seems like a nice person.
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