I am back on the road again.
My trip this time is running from the Texas/Mexican border all the way
to the Atlantic Ocean stopping to visit people I love. Traveling so much, my thoughts normally have turned to traveling
jokes.
I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a van recently that read:”Caution:
Blind Man Driving”.
As I carefully passed him I saw the sign on the side of the van: “Houston
Venetian Blind Co.”
Flying these days is something less
than a pleasurable experience, that is to say it mostly sucks. I remember a few jokes from the days before
flying itself became a joke.
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the
Northeast.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
On a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
If you are a pilot you have number of tips to
literally live by.
1. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining
everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite
direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds. This type of cloud is
called ‘cumulus granite’.
2. Always try to keep the number of safe landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
3. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
4. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
5. Helicopters can't actually fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
6. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear are screams, things are not at all as they should be.
7. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
8. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
9. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end of the aircraft going forward as much as possible.
10. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
11. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
12. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
2. Always try to keep the number of safe landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
3. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
4. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
5. Helicopters can't actually fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
6. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear are screams, things are not at all as they should be.
7. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
8. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
9. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end of the aircraft going forward as much as possible.
10. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
11. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
12. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
13. Remember that the best you can do with
a low altitude pass is tie the record.
14. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
15. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
15. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
16. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
17. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
18. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
19. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
20. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
14. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
15. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
15. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
16. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
17. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
18. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
19. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
20. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Of course I am driving on this trip, not
flying. I have been known to drive some cheap
cars.
You know you are driving a really piece of
‘junk’ car when:
·
You pull over to let a fire truck go
by, and it stops behind you.
·
You have to go to a repair center
every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
·
If you crack a tail light the car is
considered to be totaled
·
You accidentally drive into a
junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
·
The Blue Book lists your car under
"Health Risk."
·
The only thing holding your bumper on
is the "Kiss My Grits" bumper sticker.
·
You return to your car and find
someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
·
Even Evel Kneivel Jr. refuses a free
lift.
·
Your car doubles in value every time
you fill it up.
=================================
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing
weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed
by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan
to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
………………………………………………….
The parents of two boys (14 and 16 year-olds) went on a trip for
the weekend with friends. They left early Friday morning and the boys were left
alone at home.
That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.
When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car.
Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.
Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is healed without a scratch!"
That evening the younger boy made the suggestion that they take their dad's car, pick up some girls and go to the local disco. The 16 year-old boy could drive a bit but was too scared. After some nagging he gave in and off they went to enjoy the evening.
When they got back to the car after a lot of discothequeing, they noticed a huge dent in the rear of the car - someone must have bumped into the car and drove off. Frantically they phoned their friends to find a panelbeater/spraypainter to fix their dad's car.
Finally they found one who said they must have the car at his house early next morning. The car was fixed properly and they parked it back in the garage that afternoon.
Their parents returned the next day but the boys were too terrified to say anything about the accident. The father went to get something from the garage, came back very amazed and said to the family in the lounge, "A miracle has happened! A guy drove into the back of my car on Thursday and now it is healed without a scratch!"
*************************************
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had to be transported to the hospital. As he looked upon the wreckage
a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The
officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded again.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes." the monkey confirmed.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
Another nod
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded again.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes." the monkey confirmed.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
Another nod
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
In the event you should be pulled over here
are some things I Do Not suggest you
say when the officer approaches your car.
-Sure, I’ll show you my license; here, hold my beer.
-Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
-Bad cop! No doughnut!
-You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
-Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
-So, you on the take or what?
-Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
-Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
-Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
-Bad cop! No doughnut!
-You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
-Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
-Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
-So, you on the take or what?
-Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
-Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
+++++++++++++++++++++++
On a
cross-country bus trip many years ago young Charlie became extremely queasy due
to
motion sickness. He tried to go to the restroom, only to find it locked. He
went back to her seat, laid his head back and tried to fight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, he rolled his head to the
right and threw up into the bag of the man who was dozing without waking him up.
When
the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find bag with vomit.
Turning
to him, with an innocent expression, Charlie asked him, "There now, are
you feeling better?"
And finally a pub joke
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came
to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He
knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye
spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!"
she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to
finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word
with George?"
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