Sports JOW #684

Ah, October – the magic time when football is in full swing, hockey and basketball is underway, and the baseball playoffs are underway.  Thus it only seems appropriate that my jokes focus on various sports.  Of course, not all sports are entertaining.  This ‘press release’ reports on the ugly side of too many games.

Press Release for Junk Food News:

The growing perception that the NFL is not a family-friendly sports league but an evil, greed-fueled, merciless, corporate overlord picked up steam Monday night when approximately eleven million Americans were forced to watch an abysmal football game between the 0-6 New York Giants and the 1-4 Minnesota Vikings.

“Why? Why are they doing this? I don’t deserve this,” said one citizen, confined to a couch in an 18-foot by 12-foot room in his Colorado Springs, Colorado, home with little more to eat and drink nearby than several bags of chips and a six-pack of beer. “It’s just not right. I’m a human being.”

Sadly, the NFL forcing millions to watch subpar football was not a one-time thing. Large swaths of the population also had to watch the Arizona Cardinals last Thursday night, while the league plans to essentially torture the citizenry this week with Panthers-Buccaneers on Thursday night, the Vikings again on Sunday night and the Rams on Monday night.

“Nooooooo! Nooooooo! Make it stop! Someone make my TV stop showing all of this terrible NFL action!” yelled a naked man, running down Fifth Avenue in Manhattan late last night. 

Yet the NFL claims it is not forcing anyone to watch its games, and that it’s “fans” are willingly and freely turning their televisions on to watch NFL action, even games that might not be marquee match-ups.

“That’s ridiculous for them to say,” said one fan, “I’m positive I am forced to watch this game. The only reason I would choose to watch this would be if I have absolutely no other interests in my life. No friends. No family. No hobbies. No curiosity about the world outside of football on television. And that’s just … that can’t be true.”

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The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.  In the distance a voice is heard: "The Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl."

 Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

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Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4."

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A coach at an unnamed major Agricultural & Mechanical university in the state of Texas walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"

"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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Two guys are talking about their wealthy boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 75 years old, and she's just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family.  We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

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A psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

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It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

“How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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Q: What do the World Series and bears on birth control have in common?

A: No Cubs

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If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team. They drowned during spring training.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 500 feet from the ground," he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

And finally, a non-sport joke.

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave him his business card and told him to stop by for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and handed it to him.

The Democrat was impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided it was his turn to help. So he reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless man $50.