Allergic JOW #682

A cold front blew through over the weekend marking the beginning of autumn or “achoo” as I tend to call it.  I always start running in the fall; not me, my nose.  Modern antihistamines make life tolerable and I do enjoy the sparking pleasant days and cool nights.   However my hay fever got me thinking about allergies in general.  I was able to find a few jokes on the subject along with an unrelated bit at the end.  First, a bit of poetry:

An Autumnal Limerick

Feels like autumn — the walking is easy
Cuz it’s cool and it’s dry and it’s breezy.
But what do I spy?
Flying pollen — oh my!
Any minute I’ll surely be sneezy.

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Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.

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“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” - Phyllis Diller

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A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.
During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.
"Okay sure. I'll be right back."
When he gets her the candy, she immediately opens the bag and picks out all the brown one s and throws them away.
"Why did you do that?" asked the boyfriend.
She replies "Because I'm allergic to chocolate."

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A bee comes back to the hive and complains to another bee, “I’ve been flying all over the place and I just can’t find any pollen.”

The other bee immediately offered him some advice.”Hey, I just came from a bar mitzvah over at that synagogue.  There were loads of flowers and stuff.  Try there.”

Then the second bee hands the first bee a tiny yarmulke. “Here, put this on.’

“Why?” asks the first bee.

“Well, you don’t want them thinking you are a WASP, do you?”

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An allergy sufferer went into their local restaurant for a meal and asked the waiter, “I have a nut and dairy allergy, can you tell me how this meal is cooked?”
“Oh yes,” says the waiter, smiling helpfully, “It’s cooked in a Wok!”

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Andy noticed that little Jill was wearing a medical alert bracelet and asked her what it was for.
"I have to wear it because I'm allergic to nuts and eggs," Jill explained.
"Gosh, are you allergic to cats too?" asked Andy.
"I'm not sure," replied Jill. "I haven't eaten one yet."

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In my experience the difference between an itch and an allergy is about one hundred bucks. 

According to Dr. John Warner about 20 per cent of the population believe themselves to have a food allergy and only about five per cent actually do.

Of course medical personnel have to ask their patients if they have any allergies.  This seemingly normal process can get very weird when you are dealing with hypochondriacs and those with mental issues – which of course is a significant percentage of people who are being admitted to a hospital.  I found a site where a nurse shared some of the allergies patients claimed.

As she put it, “They're almost all squirrels. We just have to figure out which ones are the sick squirrels.”

·         As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patients’ wrists. Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?”

Other responses the nurse received included:

·         "I am Allergic to ALL generic medications". Patient demanded to only get RX's for name brand drugs.

·         "Antabuse." Me: What was your reaction? Patient: It would make me crazy sick every time I drank beer!" Me: That is what is *supposed* to do!

·         My favorite was the patient who had an allergy to Risperdal, Haldol, Cogentin and "all MAOIs" (all commonly given for psychiatric issues) but emphatically denied any and all behavioral health history. He had "been exposed" to these drugs when he was "accidentally thrown in the psych ward because I had the same name as another patient".

·         Tomatoes after 6pm.  Seriously.

·         "I'm allergic to ibuprofen.  It makes me itchy.  I have to take Motrin instead."

·         Allergic to water. Her doctor told her to only drink soda.

·         I've had a client who was allergic to water, too. They even convinced the doc to order 'distilled water'. Doctor said to fill bottle from the tap after it ran out. This continued for over two years before the client figured it out.

·         Horse urine.  Don't ask me how they determined this.

·         Oxygen.  Not kidding although I don't remember what it caused.  

·         I had a patient who was "allergic" to treadmills and stress tests because his heart was pounding when he had an exercise stress test!

·         I had a patient who reported she was allergic to oxygen and needles.

And a final unrelated joke to wrap it up.

Two friends, Pat, a lawyer, and Bill, an honest businessman were headed out to west Texas to hunt.  They were not quite sure where the lodge was located and west Texas is a big place.  They found themselves out in the middle of nowhere with night falling.  They saw the lights of a ranch and decided to ask for directions.

The door was opened by a comely woman who told them that they were some distance away from their destination.

“It is dark and there is a storm coming in tonight.  Why don’t you both stay here for the night?  I am a widow and live alone, but there is a guest house in the back where you can make yourselves comfortable.”

The men thankfully accepted her hospitality and shared dinner with the charming lady.  They both retired to the guest house and departed the next morning after having breakfast with the relaxed and smiling widow.

Nine months later Bill called up Pat.

“Pat, do you remember that lonely widow who let us spend the night at her place?”

“Sure – she was great.”

“Pat did you get up in the middle of the night that night?”

“Well, I was having trouble sleeping.”

“And did you sneak back into the house to visit the widow lady?”

“Perhaps.”

“And did the two of you happen to make wild passionate love?”

“Could be,” said Pat with a smile in his voice.

“And did tell her you were me?”
            “Maybe.  Why do you ask?” Pat asked with some concern.

“Because I just heard from her lawyer; she passed away and left her fortune to me.”