Thankful JOW #689

It was brought to my attention that this Thursday is Thanksgiving.  This is a wonderful holiday with a chance to feast, watch football, and spend time with your family and loved ones.  For some reason people get all stressed out about it.  I don’t understand why.  We have been going to my kinfolk for the feast for a long time now and nobody has been shot or even cut bad in several years, although things do get a bit testy when the Cowboys are playing poorly. 

To get ready for Thanksgiving I’ve gone on a whiskey diet. Seems to be working - I've lost three days already.   I better get this JOW off before I lose any more.

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The Dallas Cowboys had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

“Just one question,” the Turkey replied, “Does the season to go on past Thanksgiving?”

(He was fortunate to try out for the Cowboys and not the Texans – their season is already over.)

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

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For those of us of rural antecedents (i.e. Rednecks) a few tips in etiquette might be appropriate.  Tom provided some of these:  He assures me following these simple rules will help get you through the holidays this year without gunfire.  He threw in the other hints just to be helpful.  He considers the driving tips on ‘towing’ and ‘going’ are especially important.

DINING AT OTHER’S HOMES

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as your host may not have dogs.

3. Do not drink wine with a straw

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private.

 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. Of course, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry.  They also alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING   (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been a’wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years back.'

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is your responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a compliment ready such as, 'You sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'  

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five or six seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a suit. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE & HINTS

1. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

4. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

GENERAL RULES

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're sure that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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Some random jokes:

*A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'

The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

* 'I went to this really crappy zoo the other day - there was only one dog in it; it was a shitzu.'

*'When Lisa’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '

*Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was not much - but the reception was brilliant