First, I am
going to go all “curmudgeony” on you guys.
I understand that the news departments are all in the entertainment
divisions of television but it seems like the only stories they cover are those
which are actually caught on camera (a common thing these days) or are in New
York City or both. That is bad enough,
but whatever happened to sports coverage? I was on the exercise machine today
and all that a major sports network (whose initials are ESPN) was talking about
was how some football players were bullying each other, the poor dears. It was a Monday morning. There had been many football and basketball
games played the day before but did they cover actually games? Nope.
At least no one made a crass comment about the Texans Sunday night game
which I thought we would surely hear: “Last
night Texan’s coach Garry Kubiak collapsed after the first half of the game
against the Colts. So did his team.”
Okay, on to
the humor: my Caribbean buddy Tor sent me a list of signs that he found
funny. One thing led to another and
pretty soon I was recalling then researching some signs that I thought were
pretty funny. Of course, you have to be
careful as it is now possible to Photoshop or otherwise electronically create or change the
image of a sign.
I saw this
sign at a liberal rally that I thought was very clever.
“I don’t
want my country back. I want it forward.”
Of course I
would probably be out there with a sign saying
“I am pretty
ambivalent and might just stay that way.”
Here are
some of Tor’s signs starting with his favorite:
 |
Dry Paint
| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ | |
Do not use the microwave and
toaster oven at the same time.
It will throw the earth out of
orbit and we’ll all plunge into the sun.
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |  |
Do not read this sign under
penalty of law
|
 |
Mall
Maintenance shop
We can repair anything.
(Please knock on door. The bell doesn’t work.)
|
 |
These tee shirts were tested on
animals.
They didn’t fit.
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Bottomless Pit
65 feet deep
|
 |
Keep the Dark Room door closed!
If it is left open all of the
dark leaks out.
|
 |
Beware
of the Dog.
The cat is not trustworthy either
|
 |
No
senior citizen discounts.
You have had twice as long to get
the money.
Then there are the signs that
have addendums from other people:
The patio is closed due to short
staff
Then hire taller staff
| ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
Warning – this machine takes your money
and gives you nothing in return.
Just like my ex-wife
·
Other Reputedly Actual Signs
===========================
===========================
·
At a car dealership: The best way to get back
on your feet? Miss a car payment.
·
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
·
In a New York medical building: Mental Health
Prevention Center
·
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at
12:30. Offenbach sooner.
·
On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.
·
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a
min-u-et.
·
At a number of US military bases: Restricted
to unauthorized personnel.
·
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm
and a leg. We want tows
·
This was seen on a car being towed by a large
motor home: I go where I'm towed to.
·
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next
dents?
·
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see
what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
·
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or
they will be false to you
·
At the electric company: We would be
delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.
·
At the entrance of the large machinery plant:
Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If
you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
·
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your
eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
·
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when
this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
·
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in
the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
·
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
·
In a department store: Bargain Basement
Upstairs.
·
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week
and weekends.
·
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find
our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
·
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use
floor below.
·
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows
walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
·
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in
your car!.
·
In the vestry of a New England church: Will
the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
·
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven.
Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft.
Please use side entrance)
·
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick
and tired of the Episcopal Church
·
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our
layaway plan.
·
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive
carefully. We’ll wait.
·
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are
prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves
·
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need
inn-experienced people.
·
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to
lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner.
·
On a display of "I love you only"
Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
·
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why
go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
·
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor
Day.
·
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our
customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
·
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your
husband fixed.
·
On an United Airlines emergency exit row
instruction card: If you cannot read this card...
·
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant:
Blackened bluefish
·
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of
Mercy
·
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We
buy junk and sell antiques.
·
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange
anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and
get a wonderful bargain.
To end, I have a story my sister shared with me on my recent visit
back to Jacksonville.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall,
I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall,
Handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Robert E Lee high school ...
'Yes. Yes, I did,' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, ' in 1964. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'What did you teach???'
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Robert E Lee high school ...
'Yes. Yes, I did,' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' i asked.
He answered, ' in 1964. Why do you ask?'
'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
fat-assed,
gray-haired,
decrepit
son-of-a-bitch
asked,
'What did you teach???'
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