Nerdy JOW #692

I will be on the road next week, but I will try to get my Christmas JOW out from my brother in laws place up in Estes Park, Colorado.  Meanwhile I have fallen into a nerdy sort of mood; when you think about it Christmas itself is sort of a nerdy holiday, but in the best possible way.   So this week I have some nerdy jokes for a wonderful time of year.  Of course most of us eat way too much this time of year.  Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.  These, of course, are only round figures.

But these jokes are guaranteed calorie free so enjoy without worry.

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Q: What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

A: When you say one thing and mean your mother… I mean another.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change it and one to hold the penis - Ladder, I meant ladder!

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I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature: All Dante

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The mathematician put his root beer in a square cup which, according to the equation made it ‘beer’.

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Three physicists are in a boat with four cigarettes but they have no matches or lighters or any means of making fire to light them with.  So they throw one of the cigarettes over the side which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

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If the formula for sugar is C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁ , then is the formula for a sugar cube C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁³  ?

Note from chemistry nerd to the girl at the next lab table:  Are you made of Copper and Tellurim?  Because you are CuTe

  And I think we need a new element:   Ah  The Element of Surprise

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Bacteria:  The only culture some people have.

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The famous physicists Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving too when they are pulled over by a cop. 

“Okay, do you know how fast you were going?”
“Well, either that or where I am but not both at the same time,” Heisenberg answered uncertainly.

The officer opens a box in the trunk of the car and finds a dead cat. 

“Did you know there was a dead cat in here?” the officer asks Schrodinger.

“Well, I do now,” he replies.

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T’Aaliya Whatshername explained that she has an apostrophe in her name because she could be a bit possessive.

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·         I think they should use more chromosomes in advertising because, well, sex sells.

A man broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you give me a hand?"
"Sorry," the motorist replied. "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe?"

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A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Christmas.  The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”

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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

Andy sent me images of some classic headlines.  Headlines like these are the reason he still gets the paper.

·         Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem

·         Parents Keep Kids Home to Protest School Closure

·         Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors

·         Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

·         Man accused of killing lawyer gets new attorney

·         Study shows that frequent sex Enhances pregnancy chances

·         Bridges help people cross rivers

·         Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 pound ball on his head

·         Homicide victims rarely talk to police

·         Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

·         Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off after age 25

·         Federal agents raid gun shop – find weapons

·         Republicans turned off by size of Obama’s package

·         Dianna was still alive hours before she died