Christmas is coming with all the quiet subtlety of an avalanche hitting
a jingle bell factory. Christmas is the
favorite season for small children, retail stores, and bankruptcy lawyers
everywhere. Although in my case it has
not hard to meet my expenses – they’re everywhere! It is a matter of responsibility. I just wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few of them. According to a new poll, most Americans think
Santa Claus is a Democrat. 44 percent of Americans think Santa is a Democrat
and 28 percent believe he is a Republican. – which is really odd because when I
think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican
. The other 28 percent said to please
stop bothering me with stupid questions.
The fact of the matter is Santa isn't a Democrat or a Republican. In fact,
Santa isn't even an American. I have news for you. The real Santa has gotta be
Chinese. You think elves are the ones making that plastic crap we give our
kids? Here are a few well-seasoned jokes.
******************
Of course, Christmas is not the only holiday this time of year;
Hanukkah is also underway, although I live here in Texas and most Texans think
Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Many Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their
holiday spending. I believe these people are called ‘Congress’.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties,
particularly if they have to wear them.
*********************
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and
about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host
intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of
relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!"
he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above
their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the
confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please
explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently
and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny
nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other
reindeer..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime
minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi
has a lot more money than we do.
******************
'A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her
Christmas cards.
“What denomination do you want?” asked the lady at the counter.
“Good God!” she replied, “has it come to this? I suppose you'd
better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.”
_________________________________
Two blondes went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the good next tree I see whether it is
decorated or not.”
=============================
This is the time of year when we tend to wind up broke. You know you are really broke when:
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine
restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You receive care packages from Europe.
Your bologna has no first name.
You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
And finally
A man wandered into a doctor's consulting rooms and asked if could
see the doctor. The receptionist was hesitant to let him in, especially as it
was Christmas Eve and she was waiting to turn off the Christmas
lights in the waiting room and go home; but he was very insistent. The Doctor,
having had completed all his consultations for the day and feeling in a 'good
will to men' mood, agreed to see him.
The man entered in a rather aimless manner and after some
hesitation flopped into a chair and looked nervously around the room.
"How can I help you?" said the doctor.
"Well, it's like this" said the man. "I keep
thinking I'm a moth".
"A moth?"
"Yes" the man replied. "I'm convinced that I'm a
moth".
"Well I'm very sorry, but you're in the wrong place. What you
need is a psychiatrist".
"That's what I've been thinking" replied the man.
"Well, as it happens, I know just the man", said the
doctor "I'll give him a call and see if he can fix an appointment for you
after the holiday."
The man agreed and the doctor made the appointment.
"Tell me" said the doctor "It must have been very
apparent from the sign outside that I'm a general practitioner. So if you
already know you need to see a psychiatrist, why did you come in?"
"Well" the man said in a resigned voice "The door
was open and the lights were on .....”
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