End of the Year JOW #694

As the year, and the holidays, come to an end it seems only appropriate that I wish you all “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”  Of course the way things are these days I decided to get Lawyer Pat to check it out.  He very kindly provided the following:

Politically Correct Statement of Good Wishes

“Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, I, as the "wisher"
convey this wish without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the ‘wishee.’"

And in that vein, here are a few warning notices they really need to print on the bottles.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to "cave your head in."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Here are a few new drinks you might try out this New Year’s Eve:

Absolute Zero............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, sand
George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn
Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins.............Vodka, castor oil, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper

A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream

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·         When you are young you are delighted when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Now you are forced to.

·         People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

And finally, some short quips:

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A man's home is his castle - in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.