Cold but Semi-Topical JOW #693

I am doing Christmas in a cold and snowy climate this year which has certain advantages.  It is cold and gets dark early so it is really easy to stay inside and eat and drink to excess.  I mean, it is DARK by 5 PM.  Of course there will be a price to be paid as I have to shed all those extra calories my body is putting on in expectation of winter famines.  Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten passwords, my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!  To lose the holiday weight you just have to tough it out.  A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Here are a few semi-topical jokes this week.

Pickup lines for Santa’s Elves:

·         "I'm down here!"

·         "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"

·         "I taught Santa everything he knows."

·         "I'm a magical being, just close your eyes and relax."

·         "I'm free on Christmas Eve."

·         "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

·         "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

·         "You know what they say about guys with big ears."

·         "I can get you off the naughty list."

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A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. As he lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gather around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and at least eighty years old.

 "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic, I’m Jewish. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old-time over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54..."

From Lawyer Pat:

A “Truism” is something that can’t possibly be true, but everyone believes.  A “Lawyerism” is a complete lie told by an attorney in the hopes that it will become a “Truism”.

Which led me to making up words.  Remember back in grade school we used to do Chinese words.  Like the poor Chinese hurdler:  One Hung Lo?  Well here are a few more grade school Chinese phrases -

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

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I have been reminded that adding years brings on special challenges for the distaff side:

·         You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

·         You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans.

·         You stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end. (without turning around).

·         You go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

·         You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

·         You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.

·         Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

·         Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.

·         Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

·         One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

·         The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

·         Victoria's Secret: nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

·         You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here - or - how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a ‘healthy choice’?

And finally, some more or less uplifting random thoughts:

·         Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

·         Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

·         Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

·         Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

·         You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

·         Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

·         Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

·         A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.