Back to Work JOW #696

Many of my readers had to go back to work this week, ending the long holiday break.  In recognition of that I have a thought about some work-related jokes: first getting a job, then

I intended to get this set of jokes out yesterday which was the Feast of the Fabulous Wild Men day.  I got tied up and so am sending it out on National Dress Up your Pet Day.  Please don’t.

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Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Dan says this is why old men can’t get jobs:

Job Interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man: "Honesty."
Job Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't really give a damn what you think."

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And young people are learning that there is nothing like a tattoo on your neck to let everyone know how uninterested you are at being employed.

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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the college, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 21 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

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  I applied for a job in Australia, but seems I don’t have the right koalifications.

  I love being a maze designer. I get completely lost in my work.

  Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

  Sure I’m willing to work longer hours at work. As long as they’re lunch hours.

  My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn’t concentrate.

  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

  I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

  Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

  Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

  My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

  Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

  I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

  After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

  I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn’t do it anymore.

  I worked very hard to get to where I am in life. An unemployed university graduate.

Of course if you have a job you may have a boss.  Here are some Boss Jokes

·         My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

·         My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

·         My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

·         I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

·         My boss given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

·         Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

·         Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

·         HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

·         Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

·         The boss posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

Of course I no longer work in business. I knew I was in trouble at work when:
...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.
...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."
...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.
...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.
...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.
...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.
...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Finally, Bob provide a few puns:

*They did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
* I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
* A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
* Broken pencils are pointless.
* What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
* England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
* I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
* Velcro - what a rip off!
* Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.