Mo Money JOW #697

It is said that money is the root of all evil.  Or lack of money is the root of all evil. Or maybe rooting for money is the cause of all evil.  In these days of post Christmas bills I suspect that though few of us want to be evil most of us are willing to be a little bit naughty.  Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Money, the filthy euchre, is the theme of my jokes this week, more or less.

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Let me start with a knock knock joke:

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!

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To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed.

"Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.

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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven shots of your best Scotch and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man replies, "I have one dollar," and bolts.

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A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

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A man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

…………………………………………

Driving back from Edinburg, Texas, I stopped at a fruit stand. It was deserted except for a large dog sleeping next to the cashbox. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some produce, then opened the cashbox to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

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Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spotted a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," said the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asked.

"Yes. He wrote a big check."

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Coffee at Starbucks can be a bit pricey.  I think they need to rename some of their coffees:

For example:

·         Mocha Dinero

·         Cost-a-latte

·         Brokefest Blend

·         Excesso

·         Ka-Ching-accino

·         Goldbean Sachs

Dick sent me this notice on the AMA Position on the ACA.

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Affordable Care Act. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington."

And from Kathie here is a story about one of her friends

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys.   I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."   

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.  Frantically,

I headed for the parking lot.   My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.  

He's afraid that the car could be stolen.   As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.  

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."                                               

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

 "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" 

Now it was my turn to be silent.   

 Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!" 

And finally a quote provided by my wise friend Tor:

It is easy to sit up and take notice. What is difficult is getting up and taking action.

-- Honore de Balzac