S'now JOW #698

Last Friday the city of Houston was brought to a half by an ice ‘storm’.  People are not used to driving on ice here and it got ugly.  Sunday it was sunny and 70.  They predicted it would snow on Tuesday.  Change is good, I guess.  Of course it did not freeze up, but the prediction gave the local TV announcers a wonderful excuse to engage in hyperbole in an attempt to improve their ratings. 

I already sent this very amusing link to some of my friends and family who live in places that actually have snow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhHr7LCVQRw

I made a careless typo in my last JOW, using the word ‘euchre’, which is a card game, for ‘lucre’ which is money.  I blame autocorrect.   Pat, as a member of POEM, (Professional Organization English Majors) properly called me on my acyrologia.  Let me define that word:

Acyrologia –An incorrect use of words.  Particulately replacing one word with another word that sounds similar but has a diffident meaning.  This is possibly fuelled by a to seem a bell weather or perhaps from a deep-seeded desire to sound more educated, witch results in an attempt to pawn off an incorrect word in place of a correct one.  In academia, such flaunting of common social morays is seen as almost sorted and might result in the offender becoming a piranha;  in the Monday world, after all is set and done, such a miner era will often leave people unphased.  This is just as will sense people of that elk are unlikely to tow the line irregardless attempts to educate them.  A small percentage, however suffer from severe acyrologiaphoia, and it is there utmost desire to see English used properly.  Exposure may cause them symptoms resemble post-dramatic stress disorder and, eventually, descend into whole-scale outrage as they go star-craving mad.  Eventually they succumb to the stings and arrows of such a barrage, and suffer a complete metal breakdown, leaving them curled in the feeble position.

(Note: a wether is a castrated ram, like an ox.  Put a bell on it and it leads the flock; thus the phrase.)

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I see the squirrels are gathering lots of nuts for the cold weather.   I have not heard from some of my friends for a while.  Are you in a safe place?

A couple of stupid Knock Knock jokes –

but I repeat myself, all Knock Knock jokes are stupid.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Snow!
Snow who?

Snow work today, it is snowing.

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Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Icy!
Icy who?

Icy a lot of people are staying home from work today.

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Some kid snow riddles:

Q: What did the big furry hat say to the warm wooly scarf?
A: "You hang around while I go on a head."

Q: What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
A: Frost bite !

Q: How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
A: An Eskimoo !

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A man sent his girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  The next day he called her and asked ''Did you get my drift?''.

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I bought a bag of peanuts for my Back Porch Philosophical Gentleman’s Club, and on the package was the warning ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought them for!  

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Speaking of Autocorrect:

Autocorrect on phones can be so annoying not to say embarrassing.  It is the Tourette’s Syndrome of the digital world.   Autocorrect means you always end up posting some thong you didn’t Nintendo.

Here are a few autocorrects of text messages that are making the rounds:

Mom – Everything okay?  Haven’t heard from you in a few days.

Son – Yup.  Sorry mom just came out of the closet.

 Mom- Oh, Mat that is great.  I always had a hunch. I still love you no matter what

Son – Holy Shiite, Mom.  I am not gay.  I meant coming out of the clinic.  Auto correct.

Mom- oh.

Son – Wait, you think I am gay?????

Or this one

-So how did the date go last night, bro?

-We went to dinner.  Then I walked her home and killed her in the woods outside her house and left.

-Killing her seems a bit harsh, dude.  What did she do, order lobster and a fancy desert?

-KISSED!  Damn autocorrect….

Another random riddle: 

Q. What do Mack the Knife, Attila the Hun, and Winnie the Pooh all have in common.

A. Their middle name

A member of Congress was walking with her 10 year old daughter on the beach one day, when an enormous freak wave came and washed the girl quite out of sight. Immediately the Congresswoman, who had been a regular churchgoer most of her life, dropped to her knees on the sand, began to cry and clasped her hands together...
"Lord! - I know I have not been a very good believer, I have failed to attend church and ignored many of the issues of poor people in America today, I do most earnestly apologize for that...but if you will just give me back my little girl I promise I will faithfully follow the way Jesus taught us and never stray from the proper Christian path again, just please, please... give me my daughter back..."
After a pause there was an almighty crash of thunder, and a huge wave broke on the beach and the little girl was deposited, standing upright on the shore once again...
The Congresswoman looked up to the sky and said
"She was wearing a HAT!"

And in conclusion:

A man is standing on top of the safety wall at the edge of a New York Skyscraper leaning towards certain death. The doorman of the building bravely goes up to try and talk him down.
"Hey... guy...errm, you believe in God don't you?"
The man leans back away from the edge, "yes, yes I do"
"Well so do I! let's talk this thing..."
The man takes one mini-step away from the edge
The Doorman asks, "So which religion, which church are you?"
"I'm a Christian", he says, "Baptist",
"That's amazing, so am I!" said the doorman, "Which type of Baptist are you?"
"Northern Baptist", said the man taking a good step back from the roof edge.
"AMAZING! me too", said the doorman, "So, well, are you with the branch that sided with Pastor Corey?"
"YES! said the man.
"Die, you heretic  dog!" said the doorman pushing him off the roof.