Stone Cold JOW #695

The JOW goes out to all parts of this country and apparently most of it is Cold.  Ah, Winter: The age of shivery.  This morning I even noticed a thin skim of ice on some of the ponds in our area, a phenomenon most rare over the past ten years or so.  Thus my jokes have a wintery flavor this week.  I hope you enjoy them in a nice, warm, spot.

It's so cold that:

·         We had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post

·         Starbucks is serving their coffee on a stick

·         Refrigerators are redundant

·         Pet stores now sell penguins

·         The local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

·         Lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

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Question: What's the difference between weather and climate?
Answer: You can't weather a tree, but you can climate.

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A ship’s captain radios a lighthouse keeper: ‘Radio reception is very bad. Please spell out your weather report.’

The keeper replies, ‘W-E-T-H-O-R   R-A-P-O-R-T.’

The captain says, ‘My God, that’s the worst spell of weather I’ve had in a long time.’

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Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident.  They called from the hospital about the four casts.

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Q: Did you hear the joke about the tsunami and Japanese nuclear reactor?

A: Not cool, man, not cool

Q: What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

A: Owlgebra.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?

A: 3 days

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A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, it will rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, it will storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

 Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio broke."

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Tom and Martha lived in a lovely house in New Hampshire for many years but eventually they decided to sell it to a nice young couple from New York City.  The city couple was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" the husband confidently declared. One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and they woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.

The husband called the nice older couple to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 20 years," he muttered to his wife, "they've gone to Texas for the winter."

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Wisconsin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." And the power goes off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

With all the love and understanding that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied, "Honey, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."