Dumb Old JOW #710

My old friend (in every sense of the word) Dick sent me the article below that discusses changes in the SAT.  Apparently the current generation has some problem with obscure (or ‘big’) words.

The specific article follows:

“One big change is in the vocabulary questions, which will no longer include obscure words. Instead, the focus will be on what the College Board calls ‘high utility’ words that appear in many contexts, in many disciplines—often with shifting meanings—and they will be tested in context.”
—The Times, April 16, 2014

 I used to like the SAT.  I felt it provided a meaningful measurement on what you had learned.  Of course I felt that way: I did well on the SAT – therefore it must have been good and accurate.

In recognition of the continuing dumbing down of America I will first submit examples of questions in the ‘new and improved’ SAT.  I will then follow with a series of really stupid jokes – as usual.

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Samples for the new ‘modernized’ SAT:

Directions: Match the italicized slanty word or phrase with its meaning.

1.Mike, like, likes Emily, but not like that. The best meaning of “like” is:

(a) you know
(b) um
(c) similar to
(d) derives pleasure from
(e) lolz

2. Mrs. Fisher explained that the Latin weird expression carpe diem means “seize the day.” “Seize the day” means:

(a) F.T.W.
(b) take action for the future today
(c) twerking
(d) YOLO

3. John threw a party when his parents went away, and it was a catastrophe. “Catastrophe” means:

(a) an epic fail
(b) #latergram
(c) T.T.Y.L.
(d) sup

4.Kelsey was having an identity crisis issue ish. “Identity” means:

(a) Self-conception based on social, political, religious, physical, and other distinctive personal characteristics
(b) Twitter handle
(c) Tumblr account
(d) personal brand

5. Doug’s grandpa is a big Internet troll. “Troll” means:

(a) a magical dwarf who lives in nature
(b) a provocateur person who goes online and writes offensive things just to rile people up
(c) a kind of doll that I played with in kindergarten
(d) Donald Trump

Select Pick the word or phrase that best fits.

6. ____ always using Snapchat.

(a) Your
(b) You’re
(c) Ur
d) Yore

7. The 2004 movie “Mean Girls” is ____.

(a) classic
(b) old-school
(c) a satire of high-school behavior adapted from a best-selling work of nonfiction, written by Tina Fey and starring Lindsay Lohan
(d) old

8. Dave knew he’d be there, so he told his teacher, “See ya then, ____.”

(a) bro
(b) brah
(c) Mr. Edwards
(d) dude

9. When he got to college, Jason discovered that his research skills were severely deficient very bad. “Research” means:

(a) Google stuff
(b) Wikipedia stuff
(c) search for information, both online and at the library
(d) Facebook-stalk

10. The rafting trip was really ____.

(a) cool
(b) kewl
(c) exhilarating
(d) awesome

Essay: Please compose write an essay of at least four tweets in length about a subject topic thing of your choosing. Don’t forget to use punctuation and stuff.

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Here are the stupid jokes:

The Buddhist came up to the hot dog vendor and said, ‘Make me one with everything. ‘
The hot dog vendor gives him the dog and the Buddhist gives him a $20 which the vendor tucks away.
Buddhist – ‘Hey, where’s my change?
Vendor – ‘Change must come from within.’

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An old farmer was looking for a new place.  An overzealous Realtor showed him what could only be described as a totally worn out old farm.  The land had just been worked to death. Even the weeds were hardly growing.

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people."

The old farmer replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be said of Hell?"

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A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age. 

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. "You kids don't know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn't afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat.

The bartender says "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate replied "Arr, I got a bounty on me head!"

      

A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of Chap Stick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49"
and the duck said "Put it on my bill".

Some stupid riddles:

·         What happens if life gives you melons?
You are dyslexic.

·         What's brown and sticky?
A stick

·         What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
That’s a stick, too

·         Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chickens wasn't invented yet.

·         How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, fool dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog.

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Finally, this joke was forwarded to me by an unnamed woman who is geographically separated from her husband.  It is funny but somehow makes me uneasy.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesdays, I go shooting.”