Barbecue JOW #711

My church had its annual pig roast fund raiser which also involved barbecue and other related food groups.  That got me thinking about outdoor cooking in general which is often practiced by men.  Men are well known for barbequing.  Even men who do not cook will try their hand over a grill.  That is because men will cook if there is an element of danger involved.  Here are some jokes that more or less refer to outdoor cooking.  Or not.

@@@@@@

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking an Australian man will do. When an Aussie declares he will barbecue the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman.

******************

Two confirmed bachelors, let’s call them Pat and Tom sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the Tom, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked Pat.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'

 As the coals from the barbecue burned down, the hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks to enjoy some toasted marshmallows.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
The guests raced out of the back yard, down the street, where they found the owners of the blazing house standing by looking helplessly as their home burned.  They turned and glared at the arriving guests of the barbecue with looks of disgust.

Who suddenly realized that they were all still holding roasting forks with marshmallows on them…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, young Sarah girl was watching her mother make a roast sirloin of beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting dish.

Sarah politely asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Her mother replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.

That night grandma came to dinner and Sarah and her mother asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking.  After some thought grandma replied, she cooked the meat the way her mother had done it.

Now great-grandma was quite old and lived in a residential nursing home, so Sarah, her mum and grandma went to visit her and again asked the very same question.

Great-grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, 'So it would fit in the old roasting dish I had.'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

-The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve your Fellow Man' was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

-A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

-Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

-The chef took some cheese and made some grate things.

-Some cooks have a shellfish attitude.

-The compensation received by the Italian chef was a pretty penne.

-You know the restaurant has a clown as a chef when the food tastes funny.

And a few baker jokes

·         A baker stopped making doughnuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

·         Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

·         When baking dog biscuits, be sure to use collie flour.

·         Working in the bakery left her with a loathe of bread.

·         Good bakers will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast they can do.

·         When asked about rumors that he owned a bakery, Shakespeare replied, 'It's much a-dough about muffin.'

·         The gingerbread man thought he couldn't be caught, until he met his baker.

·         The two bakers who traded buns had a roll reversal.

·         Our local baker pays his staff on a flourly rate.

·         Bakeries show how well their business is doing with a pie chart.

·         The baker who always put too much flour in his bread was a gluten for punishment.

·         Old bakers never die, they just keep making lots of dough.

===============

And of course this joke about a choice of words; in the south any soft drink is called a coke, leading to confusion when you go to other parts of the country.  In the past I've always ordered my soft drinks in a simple way, e.g. 'A Coke, please.'

Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, 'I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, Hartridges, Virgin Cola, and Sprite.'

Exhausted by listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked for a 'dark, cold, carbonated beverage.'

The young man behind the counter smiled and asked, 'Yes sir, and would you like a long, thin, cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?'

Served me right.

+++++++++++++++++++

And finally-

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure for the following reasons:

·         In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant;

·         In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant;

·         In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant;

·         In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant;

·         In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant;

·         In South America they didn't know what "please" meant;

·         In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant;

·         In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.