Mother's JOW #712

This last Sunday was Mother’s Day, another one of those so-called Hallmark Holidays pushed upon us by the same folks who bring us Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day.  Of course, Mother’s Day is different – it is for MOM!  Since I am going to a Big Wedding this weekend the whole concept of family is not far from my mind.  Thus this week’s jokes deal mainly with moms and family – but mostly with moms.

Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if your friend's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.
Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!

++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother, John?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

And every grandmother was once a mom:

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Vanessa had a new sister, he became envious of the attention she was getting. One day while his mother was nursing the baby, Vanessa was getting unyielding about being on mom's lap. Mom wasn't able to deal with both children at that time and told Vanessa to go wait for her. He then asked his mom: "Mommy, can you please put Tiffany back in your tummy now?"

When a friend of mine was young she didn't like going to weddings.
Her grandmother would tell her, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after the granddaughter started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

……………………………………

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"

“If you come in to spank me could you bring a glass of water?”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.

After Leslie brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And finally a logical family joke

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?
Bobbie: East?
Robbie: No. Larry.