Cino Del JOW #712

Cinco Del Mayo is one of those sort of manufactured holidays special to ethnic interests in the US, much like St Patrick’s Day. (Of course nobody pretends to be a Mexican.)  Cinco Del Mayo does not, as some claim, memorialize the loss of a shipment of Hellman’s Mayonnaise in a tragic shipwreck, but instead commemorates  a Mexican military victory.  Okay, the victory was over the French but any Mexican military victory is noteworthy; they may be snatching at straws but at least the straws are in Margaritas these days.  I myself prefer Star Wars day –May the Fourth (be with you.)  Of course, May the Sixth is National Beverage day, so we have three interesting days in a row.

I thought to have some Mexican-themed jokes this week but most of the ones I found are just not funny to me.  But I gave it a try.  I hope you enjoy.

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A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
               

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Chi Chi Rodriguez, the famous professional golfer tells this one: “Even after all these years, it's still sometimes hard for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”

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Why doesn't Mexico have a very good Olympic team?  Because every Mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already across the border in the USA.

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What do you call two Mexicans playing each other in basketball?  Juan on Juan.

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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Mexico; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,

"But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Which reminds me of:

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Or this one:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Keith sent me this one.

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday."

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I have had several cartoons sent to me.  The one Tor sent had Jimmy Hendricks in full 60’s psychedelic attire sitting on the opposite side of a desk from a be-suited HR rep who says, ‘Very impressive resume Mr. Hendricks, but are you experienced?” 

And finally Don sent this one.

A man living in Kuala Lumpur with his family tells his wife that he has to fly to Beijing for a business appointment over the weekend and has his ticket on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 (the now missing plane).  As he always does when taking a business trip, when the plane starts to leave the gate he calls his wife to tell her the plane has departed from the gate and is on time to arrive in Beijing when scheduled.  He said he would call her upon arriving at Beijing to let her know he arrived safely.

Now the dilemma… he's been stuck for over six weeks in his girlfriend's apartment in Kuala Lumpur and still doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home or even when to call his wife…