Proverbial JOW #716

My jokes this week are mainly observations, initially in the form of some proverbs I had sent to me.  I began doing some research and come up with quite a few.  Eventually I collected some that seemed to me to be in direct opposition so I listed those down below.  But to start my jokes this week I will begin with a series of proverbs, quotes, and observations.  I hope they are both amusing and enlightening.

Yiddish Proverbs

·         If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.  

·         The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. 

·         What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.  

·         A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. 
One old friend is better than two new ones. 

·         Life is a big headache on a noisy street

·         One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. 

·         A wise man hears one word and understands two.  

·         You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. 

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."   Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat.  She also credited with “Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. “

Einstein was given credit to some wise words:

·         Imagination is more important than knowledge.  Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton  

·         We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. 

·          Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.  

·         Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.    

          I also remember a famous line by Woody Allen:

“I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become Immortal through not dying“.

Best of luck with that Woody

Of course, lots of countries have proverbs, here are a couple I liked:

·         If you dig a hole for someone else, you'll fall into it. Hungarian Proverb

·         You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind. Irish Proverb

And these are two of my person favorites

·         A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. 

·         Life is hard; get a helmet.

For every proverb there is an equal and opposite proverb.  Or to put it another way “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

·         All good things come to those who wait BUT Time and time wait for no one.

·         Wise men think alike BUT fools seldom differ

·         The best things in life or free BUT there is no such thing as a free lunch

·         Slow and steady wins the race BUT time waits for no man

·         Look before you leap BUT strike while the iron is hot

·         Silence is golden BUT the squeaky wheel gets the grease

·         You are never too old to learn BUT you can’t teach an old dog new tricks

·         Birds of a feather flock together BUT opposites attract

·         Don’t cross your bridges before you come to them BUT forewarned is forearmed

·         The early bird gets the worm BUT the second mouse gets the cheese

·         Too many cooks spoil the broth BUT many hands make like the work

·         Hold fast to the words of your ancestors BUT wise men make proverbs but fools repeat them

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A few ‘little kid’ observations:

Jimmy (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.

Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute,
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I had this passed to me.  I found it interesting as a view of progress:

If you were born before 1948 (like many of my friends) then you are older than:
' television
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses

‘Frisbees and
' the pill

Before 1948 there were no:
' credit cards

‘home computers
' lasers or
' ball-point pens

We had not yet invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
'  the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

‘man hadn't yet walked on the moon,

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the Evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, tattoos or guys wearing earrings.  (Well except for pirates and sailors.)

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

Welcome to 2014 where now:

• Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless 

• Leaders – Clueless