World Cup JOW #721

There are only two days out of the year that there are no scheduled games on television for the big four sports: Baseball, Basketball, Football, and Hockey: the day before the Baseball All-Star game and the day after.  We are entering the dead zone for sports.  Of course there was recently the shared spectacle of watching the World Cup.  I watch the World Cup faithfully just to confirm what I knew four years ago – soccer is boring.  Okay, soccer can be watchable if you have a kid in the game, but on TV, forget it.  Soccer is worse than golf.  Both are nice as background for a nap but golf has better vistas and unlike golf, soccer announcers shout excitedly when nothing is happening (which is pretty much most of the time).  How can you love a game where a 0-0 tie is considered exciting?  And the criteria for success baffles most Americans:  In the recent World Cup the U.S. lost to Germany, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. advanced. That's the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don't follow soccer.  If you love soccer and you live in the US, you have to wait four years for a World Cup to see any real games; kind of like making an appointment with a VA doctor.  Still, I thought I would have a go at some jokes in honor of the World Cup.  I hope I can score at least once with one of them.

            Of course the late night pendants had fun with soccer:

·         "Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, 'We're going to invade Disney World!'"

·         “Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup.”

Some stupid soccer riddles

Q: What is the difference between Ghana and the Bermuda triangle?

A: The Bermuda triangle has three points.

Q: What lights up a football pitch at night?

A: A football match.

Q: What’s the best place to shop for a new soccer shirt?
A: New Jersey.

Q: What’s harder to catch the faster you run?
A: Your breath!

…………….

Boy: What jersey should I buy?

Girl: Buy a goalie's jersey!

Boy: Why?

Girl: So I can tell people my boyfriend's a keeper.

Soccer is famous for the rough behavior of the fans

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a local match between Arsenal and Liverpool last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So the man explains, "I was refereeing this important match between Liverpool and Manchester United at Liverpool. The score was 0-0 and there was only one more minute of play to go in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the home end."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."

**********************

A soccer fan arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

‘Let me spell it out for you,' responded the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.

---

As a change of pace here is a  golf joke from Sir Richard of the West Coast:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first guy said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00 and confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation… and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

            Finally for no good reason here are a few strange facts:

·         France was still executing people by guillotine when Star Wars was released.

·         People born blind have never seen a smile but know to make one when they are happy.

·         You can spell upside down upside down by using the letters umop apisdn.

·         People graduating college this year have never experienced life without The Simpsons.

·         1998 is as far away from today as 2030 is.