Miscommunication JOW #719

I am staying in Jacksonville this week with my sister.  I am reminded of the time she won an award in a beauty contest: Miss Communication.  She sent me a joke about miscommunication and that led me to the idea of problems with communication in general. 

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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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Akpos was terribly overweight. He went to his doctor to know what to do. After diagnosing him, his doctor puts him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

Akpos returned after the two weeks have lapsed. He had loosed nearly twenty pounds. “Whao! That’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

Akpos nodded, “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.”

“No, from all that skipping.”

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Malapropisms are words that get slightly mixed up.  My mother was a master of this mixing ‘flustered’ and ‘frustrated’ to make the world ‘flustrated’. 

Here are a few more examples.

He had to use a fire distinguisher.

Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.

Isn't that an expensive pendulum round that woman's neck?

Good punctuation means not to be late.

He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

My sister has extra-century perception.

"Don't" is a contraption.

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Headlines are tricky things.  Sometimes trying to fit a simple message in a limited space can lead to miscommunications:

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER

MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

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What is more amazing than a talking dog?

A spelling bee

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I haven’t done any Spoonerisms for a long time.  Spoonerisms are amed after a legendary English professor who could not help switching the first letters of words with frequently hilarious results.  Here are a few spoonerisms as examples:

A lack of pies (Pack of lies)

Cat flap (Flat cap)

Bad salad (Sad ballad)

Plaster man (Master plan)

Pleating and humming (Heating and plumbing)

Trim your snow tail (Trim your toe nails)

Birthington's washday (Washington's Birthday)

Trail snacks (Snail tracks)

Bottle in front of me (Frontal Lobotomy)

Sale of two titties (Tale of two cities)

Rental Deceptionist (Dental Receptionist)

Chewing the doors (Doing the chores)

And finally from Andreas

What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated owl?

One shoots, but can hit.