Grand Old JOW #723

We will be heading to Washington for a birthday at the Army Navy Club this week.  We will be staying there.  The Army Navy Club is a wonderful old place, located in downtown DC, only a few blocks from the White House.  Not only will we have a chance to visit Travis, we plan on partying with some of our old friends.  I mean they are old – like in their 60’s and 70’s – you know, old.   But you get better at things as you get older including knowing how to have a good time.  Just check out the parking lot before any Jimmy Buffet concert.  Kinda brings a new meaning to the term ‘Grand Old Party’.

So my theme this week is about old people and people who know how to have a good time.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Three old men are in the doctor’s office for a memory test. 

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“Two hundred and seventy four,” he replies confidently.

The doctor rolls his eyes and moves to the next old guy.

“Okay, it is your turn.  What is three times three.”

“Tuesday.”

The doctor shakes his head and moves to the third man.

“What do you think three times three is?”

“Nine,” the third man promptly answers.

“That is great,” the doctor smiles.  “You remembered.”

“Naw,” the third man said, “I just subtracted two hundred seventy four from Tuesday.”

An old man was wheeled into the doctor’s by his companion.

“Doc, he is in pretty bad shape.  I think you need to do a full workup on him,” she told the physician.

“Well, we better do a full work up on him. We will need to do some tests on the old boy; let’s start with a urine and stool sample.”

“What did he say?” asked the old man querulously.

The woman leaned over and spoke loudly into the old man’s ear.  “He says he needs your underwear.”

=====================

“Why are you doctor’s so expensive?” complained the old man during his physical. “Why my vet charges a tenth of what you do.”

“Yes,” replied the doctor.  “And if their patients don’t get better they can put them down.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train, when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets.
It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
"The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

Some pithy bits from Richard of Pacific Palisades.

·         I am not saying we should kill all the stupid people, just remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

·         You can tell a woman’s mood by just looking at her hands.  If, for example, they are holding a weapon, she is probably angry.

·         I don’t like making too many plans for the day because then the word ‘premeditated’ starts getting thrown around in the courtroom.

·         Not to get too technical but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.

·         If Bill Gates dies while on life support will they turn off the machine and then turn it back on to see if that works?

·         Then there was the Hokey Pokey Rehab Clinic: A place to turn yourself around.

A recent survey of American women had the following results:

31% thought their ass was too big.

17% thought their ass was too small.

52% didn’t care, they loved him anyway and were going to keep him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is sitting outside a bar enjoying a quiet drink when a nun came up to him and began to berate him on the dangers of drink.

“How do you know that alcohol is so bad?  Have you ever tried it?”

“Of course not,” the nun replied.

“Well let me buy you a drink and if after that you still think it is evil then I will take the pledge.”

“Well, I couldn’t possibly be seen out here drinking.  Perhaps if you could put it in a teacup then I could try some.”

So the man goes in to the bartender and orders two whiskeys.  “And would you mind putting one of the whiskeys in a teacup?”

The bartender rolled his eyes.  “Oh, no, it’s that bloody nun out there again.”