Dam Sirius JOW #726

It is the hottest time of the year, the so-called ‘dog days of summer’.  This is the time when I often make dogs the subject of my jokes even though I am well aware the ‘dog days’ refer to Sirius the Dog Star.  It does not matter; here are a few more or less dog-related bits of humor for your enjoyment.

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A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

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A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He didn’t do half of that stuff."

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The dog lawyer  (he went to Paw School as a legacy, his father had attended tried a leash law case.  The other side objected - Claimed he was leading the witness.

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“You’re not fat,” said the sled dog to her puppy, “you are just a little Husky.”

Three stupid dog riddles:

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

 A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A: A collie-flower!

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a tiger?

A: A very nervous postman.

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A man walks into a biker bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could a little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat."

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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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An old tired looking dog began showing up at our house.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well cared for.  He let me pat him on the head and then curled up on the front porch and went to sleep.  After a few hours he got up and headed back up the street. 

The next day, there he was again. This became his routine for a couple of weeks – he would show up, sleep for a few hours, and then disappear.  Eventually I got curious and attached a note to his collar. 

“I just thought you would like to know that your sweet dog comes over to our house every afternoon and takes a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a house with six children, two under the age of four.  He is trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?”

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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

And finally an off-topic joke to close:

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!    I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now - when I went ''ROARRRR!”