Stored JOW #725

The heat is on here in east Texas which is only to be expected as we approach the dog days.  Not only is it seasonably (which is not to say comfortably) hot we have other domestic issues.

The price of food in general and meat in particular has been going up for a while now.  Recently the price of bacon has skyrocketed.  This might be because bacon is the duct tape of food.  I mean everybody likes bacon.  Either you like bacon or you are wrong.  We are being overrun by feral hogs here in the south at the same time there seems to be a shortage of domestic pigs.  A coincidence?  I hope so.  

Now for the jokes:

Tom sent me a couple of ethnic bits of wisdom:

The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

These cynical thoughts are passed on are from Richard of Palisades:

·         If someone hates you for no reason, I recommend you give the asshole a reason to hate you.

·         I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better argument than that.

·         You are not stupid.  You just have bad luck when thinking.

·         Wine – it is how classy people get drunk

·         I hate it when someone says that a person is ‘a nice person once you get to know him’, is like saying ‘he is a dickhead but you get used to it.’

A story with a moral:

Once upon a time there was a little bird who fell from his nest down to the cold ground.  As he squatted there shivering a cow came by.

“Please help me, oh, cow,” asked the little bird, “I am so cold, and I am sure to be eaten by a coyote.”

All the cow did was turn around and drop a cow pie right on the bird’s head. 

At first the little bird was even more unhappy but then he realized that the poop was nice and warm.  He soon was so comfortable that he stuck his little head out of the cow pie and began singing for joy.

A coyote heard the little bird singing and came over and ate the little bird up.

There are two morals to this story.

-Not everyone who shits on your head is your enemy.

-When you are up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Here is another one from Tom:

The Chinese have a "Foo-bird" indigenous to the area and it flies around and does poo-poo from the air, and the legend has it that it is very bad luck to wipe off the poo-poo that hits you for an hour or so. One day Chuan is walking along in a field and a foo-bird shits on his shoulder. He wiped the stuff off his shoulder and right away he is hit by a bolt of lightning and killed. 

The moral of the story is, of course, "If the foo shits, wear it."

I wrap up with a couple of warnings:

I saw a really effective sign on a big gate: 

 

“Beware of the dog. 

He has a gun and refuses

to take his medication.”

And speaking of warning signs, I think this one ought to be on every bottle of Tequila:

Warning: drinking tequila before you are pregnant my cause you to become pregnant.