The Simpsons JOW

FXx, one of the many cable outlets now popping up, is running all The Simpsons episodes back to back day and night – in sequence.  It will take them twelve days to run all 552 episodes. The show has been running since 1989 which makes it the longest running scripted television series in history.   I have always been a fan of the cartoon antics of the Simpson family in part because I enjoy ‘stupid’ jokes and self depreciating humor.  I also enjoy many of the esoteric references you can find hidden away in the episodes.  Literally thousands of famous celebrities have done voice bits.  So, in honor of the gang from Springfield, here are some of my favorites from The Simpsons:

Here are some of Homer’s quotes from the show.

            On life:

·         Alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

·         Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

·         Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’

·         Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

·         Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

·         Homer no function beer well without.

·         How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

·         I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

·         All my life I’ve had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

·         I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

On work:

·         Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

·         Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

·         If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

·         I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

·         If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing

·         I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

·         That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

On family:

·         Well, it’s 1 A.M. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

·         I want to share something with you, Bart: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

·         Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

·         It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to do it and still fit in eight hours of TV a day.

·         Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

·         Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

·         Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

·         But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

·         Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

There are lots of other characters on the series that can crack me up with topical jibes.

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Police Chief Wiggum for example, is directing the mass deportation of Shelbyville refugees and he provides classic instructions: "OK, we'll put the tired over here, the poor over there, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free over there."

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Principal Skinner: "Do you kids want t be like the real UN, or do you want to squabble and waste time?"

At the elementary school, Principal Skinner is heard fielding an angry call from the superintendent. "I know Weinstein's parents were upset," he stammers. "But, but, ah, I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up: 'Yom Kip-pur."

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Sideshow Bob, voiced by Kelsey Grammer is a recurring character who keeps trying to kill Bart.  Bob's prisoner number is 24601, which I recognized as Jean Valjean's prisoner number in Les Misérable.  (See the benefits of a liberal arts education?)  I recall an episode when Sideshow Bob is in court, accused of trying to kill Bart (again). 

The lawyer says to him on the stand, “But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob responds by saying, "No, That's German for, 'The Bart, The."
Someone in the courtroom then whispers, "No one who speaks German could be an evil man."

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Old people are a staple for humor.  Homer’s grandpa is a great source of material:

·         Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

·         Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer – “Be good or I’ll put you in a retirement home.”

      Grandpa – “You already did!
      Homer – “I’ll put you in that retirement home we saw on 60 Minutes.” 
      Grandpa, very contritely – “I’ll be good.”

On one episode Grampa Simpson picks up a condom wrapper and says, "'Laaaaay-tex connn-dome.' Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!"

In another episode, he mentions his plans to sell sex tonic in the towns of Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, and Lake Flaccid.

Grandpa: "Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions." (Cleveland was the only President of the US to serve two non-consecutive terms.)

Milhouse, on falling in love: "It was just like Romeo and Juliet, only it ended in tragedy."

And finally there is Lisa, (who is nothing, nothing like Tiffany.) 

Lisa: Oedipus is the one who killed his father and married his mother
Homer: Argh! who paid for that wedding?