Wordy JOW #729

September is probably my least favorite month.  This is a bit strange since September marks the beginning of many things I like – school, football, the church calendar, and cooler weather.  The problem with September, at least in east Texas is that I am so tired of it being so very hot and humid, especially in the morning.  I can take high temperatures, but there is literally no part of the day in which it is comfortable to be outside in September.

But enough whining about the heat:  I decided to do some word jokes.  I like words and so word jokes are some of my favorites.  Also, today is National Teddy Bear Day.

English is a very flexible language, always adding words and phrases.  Here are few new ones that are currently in use:

Lost in Textation. -The awkward part of texting where the context of a conversation is lost without vocal and facial aid. What would normally be a joke or sarcastic comment comes off as an insult.

Muesdays - After a holiday on Monday, going back to work on Tuesday feels like a Monday. You will have a case of the Muesdays.

Abeerance - The act of showing up somewhere because you feel obligated... but only for one beer because you don't want to stay too long.

Gumby shoulders - The slumping of the shoulders (and head) when feeling extremely disappointed or dejected. Named after the claymation V character Gumby.

Facebook Warrior - Someone who posts all the time on Facebook about all their ideals and causes....without doing any real work.

God Donut - A way to say "God Dammit" when political correctness is required. It is derived from the iPhone autocorrect function.

Facialfro - A huge, burly unkempt beard worn by a Hipster. It should never be trimmed or manicured in any way. Wherever the hair grows, you let it grow. This includes cheeks, under the chin and the neck if hair follicles exist. A Face Fro can also be worn by a lumber jack, biker or a Duck Dynasty dude.

Sequelphobia, - You loved the original so much, that when the sequel comes out you have you have the fear it won't live up to the original.

Here are some more plays on words:

·         A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.

·         I am afraid I have an enlarged vowel in my hEart.

·         Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.

·         I never wanted to believe that my son was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

·         I went into the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.  So she gave me a little shove.

·         Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  It's okay. He woke up.

·         Have you heard about crime in multi-story parking decks? It's just wrong on so many levels.

·         Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

·         An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

And some word riddles:

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.

Q: What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
A: It gets toad away.

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
A: They're all seniors.

Finally, Glen sent this to me and I thought I should pass it along.

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster was speaking in Ontario. "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto.   
I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.   We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs." Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop , "Koranal Knowledge,"  its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others.”

And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!