Rivalry JOW #738

Listening to announcers hyping college rivalries got me thinking about various put downs of . 

Most jokes hurled at the cross-town rivals celebrate the perceived differences in wealth or class.  For every UCLA student who jangles keys at the "University of Spoiled Children," there's a USC counterpart who wears a "My maid went to UCLA" T-shirt.  For every Duke student who lobs the one-liner: "I used to go to UNC, then my dad got a job."  To which a Tar Heel will reply, “What do you call a good looking girl on the Duke University campus? A visitor.”

Here are some college put downs for your amusement.

What do you get when you drive your BMW very, very slowly past USC?

A diploma.

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How do you get a UCLA grad off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza and send him on his way.

“””””””””””””””

What happens when a Harvard grad takes Viagra?
He gets taller

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I heard West Virginia's team was late arriving to a game. They passed a sign on the highway that said 'Clean Restrooms' - so they did.

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Things you will never hear a University of Texas graduate say:

·         I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

·         Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

·         I thought Graceland was tacky.

·         We’re vegetarians.

·         Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

·         Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

·         I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

·         Trim the fat off that steak.

·         Do you think my gut is too big?

·         Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

·         I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.

·         Let’s go to the museum.

·         No, I insist you have the last piece.

·         Four wheelers are just too dangerous.

·         I think we should get to know each other better first.

·         I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.

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Two Tennessee fans were out hunting when a bird flew overhead and made a ‘deposit’ on one of them.
The first Tennessee fan says, “You want me to run back to the trailer park and get some tissue?”
The second one says, “Don’t bother. That bird will be long gone by the time you get back.”

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Q: What did the Texas grad say to the Oklahoma grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

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A Texas A&M fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.  The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Texas A & M fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Texas A&M fan brings the chain saw back and says, “This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Texas A&M fan says, “What’s that noise?”

On a separate note, I have been informed that it is no longer Texas Agricultural and Mechanical…. It is just A&M.  It was easier for them to spell.

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How can you tell a Texas Tech graduate is on location at a drilling rig?

He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

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Q: How many LSU fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.

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An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Florida, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.

The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, "Son that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines. It will read: 'University of Miami fan is a Hero: Risks his life and Saves Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'"

The youngster said, "That's nice, but I'm not a University of Miami Fan."

Then the Headline will read, “University of Florida Fan Saves young friend's Life in Pitt Bull Attack."

The Young Man said, "But I'm not a University of Florida fan."

The editor said, "OK, then it will read, "FSU Fan Saves Friend's Life."

Once again the young man interrupted saying, "I'm not a FSU Fan, either."

The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, "Then, who is you favorite team?"

The kid replied with a big smile, "The Georgia Bulldogs!!!"

The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:

"Beloved family pet killed by juvenile delinquent."

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When do South Carolina players NOT run up the score?

When they are taking their SAT’s.

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What does the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stand for?
Knowledge.

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Did you hear about the Oklahoma State fan who was injured in a pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on him.

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Q: Why did the University of Virginia fan marry a sheep?
A: He had to.

Q...What do you get when you cross a Duke Blue Devil with a groundhog?
A...6 more weeks of bad football

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The University of Georgia football players were all in a remedial English class when the teacher asked "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"

All the players shouted in unison, "THE APPEAL!"

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The University of Alabama has adopted a new Honor System:

"Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor."