Wordplay JOW #780

Once again I am having fun with words.  Writing does that for you.  By the way, if you are stuck on giving a gift to someone, consider providing them with a signed first edition novel.  I can provide them for you at a very reasonable cost.  But back to words and how very strange meanings can be.  For example, if you think about it, “understand” is a funny word.  Unlike “underarm” or “undercook” it does not make a lot of sense.  You have to wonder what ‘standing’ has to do with comprehension.  And why ‘under’?  Even more curious is trying to figure out what should be the opposite of understand.  Is it underlie, overstand, or overlie?  Or maybe it’s ununderstand, or just plain derstand.

There are lots of funny words in English, like “partake” which looks like it has something to do with golf, or “bigamist” which suggests a person with a sizeable problem, or “cockpit” which just begs to be fooled with.  The word “improper” is funny if you split the word after the first p (imagine a cowboy who lassoes little demons.)

But making fun of a word often requires that we ignore the word’s etymology—otherwise the amusement might be lost to reason.  For example, the word “surgery” begs the question “what surges?”  In fact, the word evolved from an old French word surigien with roots in old English as chirurgeon which came from the Greek cheirourgos (cheir, hand + ergon, work.)  That history may be interesting, but not very funny.  Why don't we put pants in the pantry? An amusing question—but not if you are aware that the origin of the word “pantry” is from the Middle English panetrie meaning “bread room” borrowed from the Old French paneterie the root of which comes from the Latin word for bread, panis.  The origin of “pants” is from Pantaleon, the name of a 4th-century saint who was favored by Venetians who, consequently, became known as Pantaloni.  In the 17th century, the French used the word pantalon to refer a particular style of tights resembling that worn by an old Venetian in an Italian play.  The word for tight fitting trousers came to the English as “pantaloons” and by 1850 was shortened to “pants.”

Here are some more word jokes that I sometimes ponder:

Would rehearsing a sermon be how a pastor practices what he preaches?

If you have to collect your thoughts, are you scatterbrained?

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?

Would a get-together of optimists be a glee club?

What’s the difference between new and brand new?

If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?

Why does your house burn up as it burns down?

Does a glee club ever sing sad songs?

Is a cured ham a lousy actor who no longer is a lousy actor?

Would being awakened by an earthquake be a moving experience?

How come you have to write down something to write up something?

If you talk turkey, wouldn’t you sound ridiculous?

Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?

Is talking behind one’s back the same as talking in front of one’s back?

When people say “God speed,” just how fast is that?

How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

Why can you see stars out but not lights out?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

Why isn’t there anyplace to lie down in a public rest room?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

Can you take a crash course in flying?

How come noses run and feet smell?

When you press the door bell button, shouldn’t you use your ring finger?

Do old wrinkled people think baggy clothes are skin tight?

How can you dig out of a hole?

Why do people say “bye bye” but not “hello hello?”

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

Shouldn’t guests leave a banquet fed up?

If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

Why do you chop down the tree, and then chop up the tree?

When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If you kick the bucket, aren’t you still kicking?

 Why ”needless to say“ always comes with something said?

If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

When you say something tongue in cheek, why don’t you bite your tongue?

If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

When somebody greets us with “how do you do,” why don’t we ever reply “do what?”

If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

Are you sound asleep when you snore?

How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?

How come you sleep while the alarm clock is on and wake up when it goes off?

Can you back up down a hill?

How come the bride never marries the best man?

Wouldn’t you expect to get a dead battery free of charge?

Should you break into song if you can’t find the key?

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Tom sent me these:
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: I put  'DOCTOR'.
 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy (ever been to WALMART?).
 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.