Stone Cold JOW #739

It has gotten cold, and about time, too.  I like cold weather because it is so hot here so much of the year.  Besides, when it is cold you can add layers until you are warm.  With hot weather you can only take off so many layers before it becomes illegal.  It is so cold today that flashers just describe themselves to women.  Of course it is not that bad here.  We don’t worry about being snowed in here in east Texas; not that snow is all that much of a problem - nothing a little salt can’t take of – especially if it is on the rim of a margarita.

So here are a few bits sort of related to the colder weather:

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"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."

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"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold that:

·         Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

·         We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords out of it.

·         Cops yell 'thaw!' when chasing bad guys.

·         You are thankful for hot flashes.

·         Donald Trump's hair freezes in place.

·         You'd rather listen to Nickelback than walk outside

·         I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

·         Teenagers have pulled their pants up.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said,

"They're a thing of beauty."

"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager asked.

"I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

………..

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader a few days later he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be pretty cold."

So the Chief went back and told his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again,

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

A couple Wholly Mammoth jokes:

Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.

Q: What's huge and shaggy with tusks and horns?
A: The Woolly Mammoth Marching Band!

And in the non-cold weather category –

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of 7 to 10 year olds. Clearly distracted, my neighbor cruised right through a stop sign,

“Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said, “What makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that. As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm. As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about? So tell me, how many priest’s did you kill?”