More Pretty Good Jokes #737

I had a chance to listen to Prairie Home Companion while driving home from work last Saturday.  It was their annual ‘pretty good joke’ show.  I have shamelessly repeated many of these.  Yes, they are funnier when spoken, but I still like them.  I had forgotten all the Elephant Jokes that were all the rage with I was eight or so. 

Enjoy.

Did you hear what happened to the frog who parked himself illegally on his neighbor's lily pad?
He got toad.

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My high school was so poor it had a combined girls’ and boys’ locker room, so they wouldn’t have to budget for sex education classes.
My high school was so poor, it only had three class periods a day, and on some days there were only two periods, because the English teacher needed the third one for punctuation.
My high school was so poor, that instead of giving out diplomas on graduation day, it had a going out of business sale and sold the graduating seniors diplomas at half-off.

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·         What did Tarzan say to the elephants when he saw them coming over the hill? “Here come the elephants.”

·         What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

·         How do you hide and elephant in a cherry tree?  Paint his toenails red.

·         But you have never seen an elephant in a cherry tree have you?  That’s because it works so well.

Sven asked Ole for help building a barn. Ole said, “Well, I don’t know, Sven, I never built a barn, ya ’know. “
Sven says, “It’s OK, Ole, you can put the side boards on. You just take a nail from the box, hold a board up like this, and nail it to the studs. “
Sven worked on the roof for a while, and hollered down, “How ya doin’, Ole? “
Ole says, “I’m doin OK, Sven, but I’m runnin out of nails. “
Sven says, “Ole! Dere’s plenty of nails dere, what’s the matter? “
Ole says, “Sven, half those nails were no good, I threw em away. The heads were on the wrong end.”
“Ole, you dummy, those nails are for the other side of the barn.”

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

An old truck driver, and his partner Willy, apply at a trucking firm. "To drive for us, you must answer a question," the HR manager said, "Imagine you are driving over Monarch Pass, it's snowing, you're hauling eggs, your brakes go out, and a school bus is ahead--what do you do?" The trucker thought, then said "I'd wake up Willy in the sleeper."

"What on earth for?"

"Because he's never seen a wreck like we're about to have."

·         What do retired Naval officers & beached whales have in common? Answer: long time no sea

·         Truck drivers never stop working. They just go into semi-retirement.

·         Two peanuts were walking down the street...one was assaulted.

·         When you decide to scratch an itch, it may be a rash decision...

How many first violinists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten, one to do it and nine to say they could have done it better.

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The weather was very hot, and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift; I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

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A man, late for an important meeting, was searching desperately for a parking spot in a crowded lot. Looking up to the sky he entreated, “Lord if you find me a parking spot, I promise to start going to church again.”
The words were barely out of his mouth, when a spot opened up right in front of his car.
The man looked back up, “Never mind, I found one.”

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Why is having sex while camping so good?
It's in tents!

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Last night I dreamed about mufflers; loud ones-- rumbling ones --back firing ones----when I woke up I was just so, so---EXHAUSTED

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The play held the audience in rapt attention.
And yet each one was struck in a very personal way.
It’s true. You might say they were each individually rapt.

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It was not known that Greta Garbo was such an environmentalist. When she died she requested that she not be buried in a hermetically sealed casket,etc., but rather just laid directly into the earth. Or as she put it; "I vant to be a loam".

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How do you know you are in a cheap hotel? You call down to the front desk and say "I gotta a leak in my sink" and they say "go ahead"

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A patient came to the doctor complaining of constipation.  When he came to do the rectal exam the doctor said, "Hey, that's very strange-you have a lettuce leaf sticking out of your behind."

And the patient replied, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

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Q. What do you get when you cross a Universalist Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?
A. Someone who comes to the door with no apparent purpose.

“”””””””””””””””””

One morning I was bored with nothing to do.
There was a knock at the door. I opened it to a well-dressed young man who said, "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
So I said, "Come in and sit down."
I offered him a cup of coffee and asked, "So what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the hell out of me. Nobody ever let me in before."

And finally:

Two men, let’s call them Pat and Tom, noted for their fast play on the golf course, are in the clubhouse, ready to go out to the first tee when they glance out the window and see two women at the first tee box.
One man turns to the other and says, "I bet we catch them before the fifth hole."
It didn't take that long. By the third hole the women are slowing them up.
So one of the guys turns to his buddy and says, "I'm going to go ask if we can play through."
He sets out, but when he gets within about 50 yards of the women, he ducks his head and turns back.
"It's my wife and my mistress," he tells his friend. "You go."
So his friend sets out, gets close to the women, turns and hurries back.
"Ooh , wadda you know," he said. "Small world."