Thanksgiving was lovely once again. According to the movies and TV shows I have
seen coming out of Hollywood Thanksgiving is stressful because it involves
family members. Perhaps I am the
exception but I like almost all of my family on both sides. And I definitely enjoy the annual feast – in fact
I look forward to it. The only downside
to the event is that the food is so delicious that I eat too much of it, adding
on unnecessary pounds. Following this
year’s spectacular I went on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days
already.
Here are some more or less (mostly less) jokes with a sort of
family theme.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The software engineer wanted to help his
poor wife when she was sick and so volunteered to go the grocery store for her.
She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
He returned shortly and proceeded to carefully
unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three boxes
of spaghetti, four boxes of detergent, five bananas, six eggplants, and seven
green peppers.
----------------------
When a husband took the clothes out of the machine and discovered to his dismay that he had also washed the watch his wife had given him.
When a husband took the clothes out of the machine and discovered to his dismay that he had also washed the watch his wife had given him.
She replaced it with a new one which had a
carefully added tag: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back in the day two brothers met before one left on an extended
business trip. Mick’s wife was due to deliver her next child soon and Mick
wanted to cover all contingencies.
"If my wife gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honor to do that for you Mick," says Pat.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl; they are both beautiful," says Pat.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Pat.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."
"If my wife gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honor to do that for you Mick," says Pat.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl; they are both beautiful," says Pat.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Pat.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting
a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I’m getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother?
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, "I’m getting a brother."
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother?
He replied, "I think mommy ate him."
+++++++++++++++++++++
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Tommy
opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Tommy taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Tommy taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My aunt died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow, both relatives gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my mother died, and left me $100,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
"My aunt died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow, both relatives gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my mother died, and left me $100,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
=======================
A man goes on a two month business trip where
he will be out to touch and so he leaves his cat with his brother. Three days
before his return he gets to a phone and calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's dead
Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean He's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken the news to me better than that. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, The Fire Department came and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's dead
Brother 1: He's dead! What do you mean He's dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken the news to me better than that. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could have told me, well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could have told me, The Fire Department came and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
……………………………………
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out a hundred Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out a hundred Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
********************
A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."
A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a
penis... AND a brain!!!"
--------------------------------
Sammy couldn’t take it anymore. His wife
Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor. He had finally made
the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer. As he walked in
the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for
him. Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went,
as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.
“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told
her. All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.” “Tranquilizers?” asked a
confused Shirley. “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”
“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy
triumphantly replied. “They’re for you!”
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
The young lady asked Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do
the splits?''
He said, ''How flexible are you?''
“Well” she replied, ''I can't make Tuesdays''
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