Merry Christmas JOW #744

Here it is Christmas again.  I am old enough to have gone through the four stages of Christmas: 

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus

3. You dress up as Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus

I can still remember that awkward moment, many years ago, when I noticed that Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as my parents.

First – Merry Christmas to all of you.  My your days be merry and bright.

Second - Some Christmas riddles for the kids:

·         Where would a reindeer go if he lost his tail?
A retail store.

·         What did Mrs. Claus tell Rudolph was her favorite kind of weather?
It’s rain, dear.

·         What do you call a toy guitar maker who sings “Blue Christmas”?
Elf-is.

·         Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.

·         Why did Scrooge win the football game?
Because the Ghost of Christmas passed.

·         Where does Frosty the Snowman deposit his money?
In the snowbank.

·         What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

It is probably a good thing that letters to Santa are one way since exchanges between Jolly St. Nick and modern kids might turn out something like this:

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus?  I hope everyone is fine.  I have been a very good boy this year.  I would like an X-Box with the latest Call of Duty and an iPhone 6 for Christmas.  I hope you will remember that when you come on Christmas.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

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Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter.

Mrs. Claus and I are fine and thank you for asking.  Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting.  Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat.  Since you have been a good boy, I think I will bring you something I you can go out and play with outside.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

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Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the ‘naughty vs. nice’ contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for.  I certainly would not want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.  Also, don’t you think that a jibe about my weight coming for an overweight that only goes out once a year is out of line?

Respectfully,

T. Jones

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Young Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have more or less met the ‘nice’ criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is a guarantee of delivery.  Should you wish to pursue legal action that is your right.  Please know that the law firm of Strong and Woodall has been on retainer since the Burgermeister/Meisterburger affair and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.  Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health but also improve your social skills.  Perhaps you might even find better friends than those losers you are hanging out with now.

Sincerely,

S. Claus

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Look here Fat Man,

I told you what I wanted and tried to be nice about this but now you are insulting me and disrespecting my friends.  I am about to tweet my crew and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass; I am taking my game console, my phone and whatever I want man.  Got that!

T-Bone Jones

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Listen you little jerk,

If you think a dude that gets into every house in the world in one night and never gets caught is worried about some little wannbe gangster?  Remember the song?  ‘I know when you are sleeping’?  That means I know where you sleep, too. I got you wired little Timmy.  Do you know what kind of resources I have at my disposal?  You are not getting that stuff you asked for, but I am still gonna stop by your crib and give you the man-sized thumping you deserve.  Chew on that Petunia.

S. Clizzy

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Dear Santa,

On reflection, bring me whatever you see fit.  I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

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Timmy,

Yeah, that is what I thought…

Santa

A few Christmas one liners:

-A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr. and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.

-This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.

-I try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.

And finally a press release from Amazon:

NORTH POLE (API) - Amazon announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Amazon would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Amazon will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning October 30, 2015, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Amazon. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired North Pole Court. Amazon stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Jeff Bezos replied "Amazon has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of the Kindle Fire." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Amazon logo, and a new Christmas 2011 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Amazon Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." He continued, "Our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2015. It will be bigger and better than last year." He further elaborated that "Amazon users who sign up with Amazon Prime will get sneak previews of Christmas 2015 as early as November first." Christmas 2015 is scheduled for release in December of 2015, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2012. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Amazon controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Bezos explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Seattle. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.