Warm Fire Arm JOW #742

Tor sent me a post that got me thinking about the differences between how we view things in different parts of the country.  While we are certainly more united than disparate, it seems these days the only topic discussed in the media is how we are different and why the other side should change.  Few topics are more polarized by region then that of guns.  The far west coast, the greater New York area, and Chicago are on one side of the gun issue while central and southern states are on the other side.  Living in Texas, it is consistent that I want to be on the ‘right’ side of guns, which is to say the side that has a handle.  Looking at the other end of a gun makes no logical sense.

So I have started out the jokes this week with a firearm theme.

Here is the bit Tor sent me:

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home.

By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

 In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit.”

 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

 In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.

 In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Texas, he’d just be one of your neighbors.

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina, Virginia , Mississippi , Tennessee , Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 In Florida he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

++++++++++++++++++++++

A black and white bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots it in the air and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.

*************************

My friend asked me: 'If you could go back in time and shoot Hitler as a baby, would you?'
I replied: 'No, because as a baby, I probably wouldn’t strong enough to carry a gun

===============

I drew my gun. Then the guy in front of me drew his gun. Then I drew my other gun, and soon we were surrounded by some lovely drawings of guns.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I carry a concealed weapon.  Why?  Because a cop is just too heavy to carry.

-------------------

They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

……………………….

On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote control tank, a BB gun, a new bike, and a XBOX. The older gets a sweater and a book. The younger begins to taunt the older brother saying "Look, I got way more presents than you."
The older replies, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have cancer!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in : Damn autospell - I meant "wifi, not "wife".

********************

And finally’ Tom provided a set of observations from what he has learned in life:

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, & drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 100 years. 

And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter –I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?