Academic Exercise #752

So when Ruth completed PA school she got another degree.  Her full official name is now

Virginia Ruth Pinney, Cdr. USN (ret.), PhD., MPAS., MS., BS., etc.   That’s a lot of letters.  This got my mind to thinking about academic jokes and intellectual jokes and such and these jokes just sort of popped out.

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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer was unable to solve the problem because all he had was a Blue Rubber Ball Volume Table.

Reasons why Socrates wouldn't be hired as a Philosophy professor:

No Ph.D.
No publications.
Freely admits that he doesn't know anything.
No set curriculum, & no exams.
Will let anybody into his classes and doesn't charge for instruction.
Thinks teachers who take money for their instruction are immoral sophists.
No teaching experience.

Some semi-intellectual jokes:

·         What do Japanese pigeons sing?  High Coos

·         What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.

·         A photon checks into a hotel.  The bellhop asks if he has any luggage.  “No, I am traveling light.”

·         The mathematician was so mean he had no standard deviation.

·         Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street-side cafe watching people going in and coming out of a house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
              Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
             The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate".
            The biologist says: "They have reproduced".
             The mathematician says, "If exactly 1 person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep. They are told to put the sheep inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
    The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
     The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
     The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

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There were two sophomores at Duke University who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did well enough on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that they had solid 'A's going into the final exam. These two friends were so confident going into the final that they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends on the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday.
    They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they went Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and they had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
    Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
    It said, "(95 points) Which tire?"

……………………………………….

How many economics professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused that to happen.

But if you think about it, an economist is really someone who liked numbers as a kid but didn't have enough charisma to be an accountant.

++++++++++++++++

A linguistics professor, lecturing in class one day:
"In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Voice from the back of the room:
"Yeah, right."

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A genetics professor was explaining to one of her colleagues from the humanities why her research focused on fruit flies. "Sure, we would rather use an organism closer to humans," she explained, "but fruit flies are great because they reproduce quickly so there are lots of them, and nobody cares what we do to them."

Her colleague pondered this for a moment and then asked, "Well, if you want something with a human-like physiology but that's superabundant, and unloved, why don't you use lawyers?"

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The Rabbit, the Fox, and the Wolf - a fable for Ph.D. candidates

    One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, and a fox sneaked up and caught her.
     "I am going to eat you for lunch!," said the fox.
    "Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
    "Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
     "Well, I am just finishing writing my Ph.D. thesis."
    "Hah! That's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"
    "I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
    "Are you crazy? I should eat you up right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
    "Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
    "You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back out.

     A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and, sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.
     "Wait!, yelled the rabbit, "you cannot eat me right now."
    "And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"
     "I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'."
     The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you are really sick in your head, you might have something contagious," the wolf opined.
     "Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came out.

    The rabbit finished writing her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem to be very happy."
     "Yup, I just finished writing up my dissertation."
     "Congratulations! What is it about?"
     "It is titled 'The superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
     "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
     "Oh yes, you should come over and read for yourself."
     So they went together to the rabbit's hole.
     As they went in, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a big old lion licking his chops.

     The moral of the story is:
    The title of your dissertation doesn't matter; what matters is who your thesis advisor is.