Cowboy Humor #751

I attended a church retreat this last weekend out near La Grange, which is at the edge of cowboy country.  There was a sign I read that said, “That boy is so confused he don’t know if he found a rope or lost a horse.”  That got me thinking about cowboy and other western jokes and humor such as: The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly.

So here are some western style jokes for your amusement.

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A Texas rancher was working hard at bragging up his great state to a visitor from back east. He finished up his oration with a final comment. “Why, all Texas needs to become the garden spot of the world is good people and water.”
The easterner, not buying a word of it, replied with a grin. “Hear tell, that’s all Hell needs.”

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An Oklahoma rancher and a Texas rancher were discussing their spreads. The Oklahoma rancher said, "From my front porch my land goes as far as the eye can see and a little bit farther."
The Texan nodded. "That's mighty impressive, but I can get up at five o'clock in the mornin', hop in my pickup truck and drive all day and not reach the end of my land before dark."
The Oklahoma rancher nodded in return. "Yeah..., I had a truck like that once, but I finally got rid of the damn thing."

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Texans claim that Oklahoma is just an outlying province of Texas, but Oklahomans say nobody can out lie a Texan.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Texas has the most beautiful women in the world.  Why?  Because if they are not pretty by the time they are 12, they ship them off to Oklahoma.

……………….

A tough old cowboy was counseled that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  He did this faithfully to the age of 99.  When he died, he left 4 children, 12 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a rancher. “Look at it this way,” he said finally. “How would your wife carry on if you should die?”
“Well,” answered the rancher after giving it some thought, “I don’t reckon that’s any concern of mine, so long as she behaves herself while I’m alive.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old Jeb was slowly working his way back to the ranch after drinking all night at the local saloon. As he wandered along the river he notices a group of people gathered around and there seems to be some sort of a commotion.
Jeb heads his horse in their direction to get a better look and as he reaches the water’s edge he falls off his horse...Turns out the group was in the middle of a baptism.
The preacher grabs Jeb by the shoulders and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
Old Jeb, too drunk to realize what he was getting into answers "Sure."
Upon that the preacher dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
Jeb says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"
Again Jeb says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"
By this time Jeb is half drowned. He coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,
"Not yet! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?"

"What's the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy.

"If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Two cowboys went to a night club show. As the chorus girls pranced out to perform their number, one cowboy turned to the other and whispered, “See that fine lookin’ gal on the left end. I feel like taking her out again.”
“Why I didn’t know you had taken her out before,” answered the other.
“Well I ain’t,” came the reply. “But felt like that once before.”

SOME COWBOY INSULTS

His family tree was a shrub.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

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Cowboy Computer Specialist

Log On: Making a wood stove hot

Log Off: Too much wood on fire

Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

And finally:

 New Mexicans always resented all the Texans who came over to ski.  I actually heard this in a ski line in Sante Fe:

“If God had meant for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.”

“Yeah, well if God had meant for you New Mexicans to ski, he would have given you more money.”