Rainy Day JOW #755

Spring must be coming to Texas; it has been raining for four straight days.  I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got an umbrella, two raincoats, and a kayak.  I should not complain; our precipitation does not pile up like it does where it is cold, but it does cause problems on the roads.  We have to substitute rain for snow to give us an excuse to have wrecks.  Which makes me wonder; do you refer to a dangerous precipitator a ‘rain of terror’?

Still, I prefer rain to drought.  Or as Bob Marley put it, “Some people feel the rain.  Others just get wet.”

Here are a few mostly rain-related jokes followed by a few ‘old’ ones.

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A pickup truck  is making its way down a flooded road after a night of torrential rain when the driver sees a man’s head sticking out of a large puddle. He stops his truck and asks the man if he needs a lift.

‘No thanks,’ says the man. ‘I’m on my bike.’

Stupid kid riddles.  (The riddles, not necessarily the kid.)

Q: What is a king's favorite kind of precipitation?

A: Hail!

 Q: When does it rain money?

A: When there is "change" in the weather.

Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather?

A: One is reined up and the other rains down.

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A: Fowl weather.

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?

A: Two's company, three's a cloud

Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?

A: The nearest ISOBAR

Q: What's worse than raining buckets?

A: Hailing taxis!

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?

A: An umbrella.

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland?

A: A weekend.
Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Portland?

A: An extra hour of rain.
Q: What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
A:"Nice tan."

On a related note:

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and out of despair asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only 6."

This is one of my favorites:

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

 A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

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A ship’s captain radios a lighthouse keeper, ‘Radio reception is very bad. Please spell out your weather report.’

 The keeper replies, ‘W-E-T-H-O-R R-E-P-O-R-T.’

The captain says, ‘My God, that’s the worst spell of weather I’ve had in a long time.’

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I like words.  Here are a few words that don't exist, but should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

And finally, a few ‘old’ jokes.  I may have used some of these before – I can’t quite remember…

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!