Dilbert JOW #754

Keith sent me some of Dilbert’s Rules of Work.  Dilbert has been a workplace staple for decades.  Although Scott Adams is a bit too cynical for my taste; I have to admit he does resonate with the modern workplace. Since most people enjoy Scott’s work, here are some Dilbert-themed Jokes Of the Week.

Dilbert's Laws of Work

·         A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.

·         Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

·         You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

·         Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

·         When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

·         If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

·         Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

·         Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

·         To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

·         Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

·         If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

·         You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

·         People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

·         If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

·         When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

·         When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

·         “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

Scott does have some good quotes of his own.

-“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”

-“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

-“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

Dilbert is not especially well drawn; most of the humor is in the dialog.  Some examples:

“We are no longer using the term ‘work-life balance’ because it implies that your life is important. And I’d like to give a big thanks to those of you who never had a life.”

Dogbert: “I need $100,000 for my location-based, social media, cloud start-up.”

Venture Capitalist: “I’m not giving you $100k just because you spewed some buzz-words.”

Dogbert: “Then what about $10 million?”

Venture Capitalist: “Wait…now it sounds like a good investment.  How did you do that?”

Dogbert’s motto: “Dance like it hurts.  Love like you need money.  Work when people are watching.”

Female engineer on a first date: “I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps.  Hand over your phone.”

Wally, on being given a new project: “I barely have time to avoid the work I already have.”

Boss: “My boss says we need some more eunuch programmers.”

Dilbert: “I think he means Unix not eunuchs, and I already know Unix.”

Boss: “Oh. If the company nurse drops by tell her I said ‘never mind.’”

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I graduated from Texas A&M," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how to use it."

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Two high school dropouts are digging a ditch in the hot summer and they're complaining about it non-stop.
"Sheesh, this is hard work. I hate this job!"
"Yeah. How come we're down here working our asses off, and the foreman is up there sitting under a shady tree with a cool drink, and making 3 times as much as us? It's not fair!"
"That's it! I'm sick of this! I'm gonna go ask him!"
So the guy climbs out of the ditch and goes up to the foreman under the shady tree.
"How come we're down there working our asses off in the burning hot sun, while you sit up here under this shady tree with a cool drink?"
The foreman says, "Well, it comes down to one word: Intelligence."
"Whaddya mean, intelligence? You calling me stupid!?"
"Well, here. Let me show you."
So the foreman holds his hand up against the tree and says, "Punch my hand as hard as you can."
The guy figures, now's my chance for some payback! He winds up and swings at the foreman's hand as hard as he can, but at the last moment, the foreman yanks his hand away. The guy nearly breaks his hand smashing it against the tree.
"See what I mean?" the foreman says. "Intelligence."
"Alright. I get it." And he goes back to work with his hand throbbing in pain.
His buddy in the ditch asks him, "So whad he say?"
"He said we're slaving away down here because of intelligence!"
"Intelligence!? Is he calling us stupid!? What does he mean by that!?"
His buddy says, "Well here, let me show you."
Seeing no tree around, he holds up his hand in front of his face. "Take your shovel and hit my hand..."

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And since tomorrow is my 25^th wedding anniversary this final Scott Adams’ quote has a point.

“The Cheesecake Factory has a great business model.  However if you take your wife there for your 25^th wedding anniversary you may not have a 26^th.”