Rainy Daze JOW #766

It has been raining a lot in Texas lately.  They say that all the rain that fell on Texas this month could flood the area of the entire state to a depth of eight inches. Naturally Houston felt compelled to better that.  Even my little rain gauge indicated we got about a foot of rain in a week.  Of course, The Woodlands is a planned community with good drainage so other than some mud, there were no real problems.  Excess water here is contained and diverted to areas like parks, golf courses, green belts, and wide irrigation ditches. On the other hand Houston is flat and cut through with bayous (Houston’s Nickname is The Bayou City and New Orleans is The Big Easy.  Seems like they ought to switch nicknames.)  Houston also the largest city in the US with no zoning laws.  The results are predictable - Houston is also the most flooded major city in the US. 

                That has nothing to do with my jokes this week.  We saw Tomorrowland and I am still on a scientific kick.

Scientists might be smart but they not necessarily good with pickup lines.

·         Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.

·         If I were an Enzyme, I'd be DNA HELICASE so I could unzip your genes!

·         Even if there were no gravity on Earth, I'd still fall for you.

·         You're more special than relativity.

·         Like the ideal vacuum, you're the only thing in my universe.

Some scientific riddles:

What happens when two tectonic plates bump into each other?
One says, “Sorry. My fault.”

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side

Where does bad light land?
In Prism.

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes.

What do you call Iron blowing in the wind?
Febreeze.

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Think about it; Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

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A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
It replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

A quote from Einstein that I like:

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Science Puns

·         Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

·         2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

·         1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

·         Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

·         2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

·         Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

·         16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

·         Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

·         1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

·         Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

·         Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

·         453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

·         1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

·         2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

·         365.25 days = 1 unicycle

·         2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

·         52 cards = 1 decacards

·         1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

·         1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

·         1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

·         1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

·         10 rations = 1 decoration

·         2 monograms = 1 diagram

·         4 nickels = 2 paradigm

·         A geologist's favorite saying: "Igneous is bliss, but being sedimentary is not gneiss."

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Random science-like thoughts

1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
     “What do we want?”.
    “Time travel”
    “When do we want it?”.
    “Irrelevant.”

7.Physics Activist:
    There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals.
    Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton's third law.

8. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

And finally, a new statistical break through:  Bread Kills!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
5. Pass a law to limit all use of bread to two slices.